Gas Station Sexytime? No, Thanks Brah! *Warning: Gross*

  Okay, so this week's second article is about sex and gas stations and how the two coincide with one another apparently.  Throw in a flaming pile of asshole attitude and we have a recipe for creampie disaster. 

Wrong kind of "cream"...

   Unfortunately, when God decided to make up my chemical makeup, He/She decided to make me a people person.  Now, on the flipside of that, Satan(a) has also made me completely cynical in everyday situations. He also decided to throw in a kicker of male sense of humor.  Therefore I can make funnies about genitalia and allow it to be completely socially awkward.  

    Which is why the fact I work in customer service is kind of a coin flip.  On one hand, I can have conversations like this:

  Asshole Customer: "It is all your fault that these cigarettes are X amount of dollars more than they are everyone else."

  Me: "Actually, it's not but I understand your pain."

  Asshole Customer: "Fuck you." (slams Door)

  And then I can have these conversations on the other hand:

  Asshole Customer: "It is all your fault that these cigarettes are X amount of dollars more than they are everywhere else."

  Me: "Hey, pipe the fuck down! Here's your packet of Pall Malls!" 

  They tend to frown upon the latter of those two scenarios but they have happened!

  I cannot stand stupid fucking people.  At all.  I have people come in on a daily basis that either don't know how to pump their own gas (thanks to the fine smelly state of New Jersey for that one).  I also have people come in, that apparently have forgotten how to flush a fucking toilet when they go out in public.  I cannot go reapply my lip gloss in the bathroom at work without finding a turd or a tampon just chilling in the toilet.  Then again, one day, I stumbled upon this while trying to reapply my eyelash:

  Of all of the places in the entire world that I would want to have sex, a gas station bathroom is NOT one of them.  I mean, one, as I have said you never know what you will find in there.  Sometimes I find the urinal can't flush so then there is just piss chilling there from Dudes. 
   I remember the couple that went into the bathroom that day.  The girl, made sure that I wasn't paying attention and then snuck in with her partner.  She had to have been quiet as a mouse because not ONCE did I hear her make any sort of peep. 
   It's just so filthy.  I get the whole wanting to do it in a public place.  That thrill of maybe you will get caught and arrested.  I get it.  But WHY pick a gas station bathroom? It's disgusting.  Do you have any idea, what could maybe be in there?! Let me enlighten you quickly:

   A year ago, a man went into the bathroom and he was in there for a good twenty minutes.  I went into the bathroom about an hour later to find that he had explosive diarrhea and it had gone EVERYWHERE! I'm talking, the ceiling, the doors, the back of the toilet.  Yeah.  That was NOT a fun experience.  Now, I would rather take the condom wrapper over liquified dookie of course but it doesn't matter what you make of it.  The fact of the matter is, people are fucking disgusting and will destroy public bathrooms because they don't have to clean them.  Show some decency people!

 

  You have to buy them when you are old anyhow.  You might as well get a head start now.

  Another thing about having sex in the bathroom of a gas station, if you are going to do it, then make sure you clean the fuck up afterwards.  I walked into the bathroom of my work one day, and it was later at night on the 4th of July.  I legit go to sit on the toilet to take a leak and long and behold I see a white substance sitting on the top of the toilet seat. 
   Semen.  Some guy had gotten his ejaculate all over the toilet seat.  Dude, bravo on your whole "pull out" method or whatever but clean your shit up! I do not want to be anywhere near the vicinity of your little tadpoles.  I mean, you had toilet paper right there next to you and you couldn't clean up after yourself.  I hope that it was just a random hookup because if your lady friend is with you knowing how much of a pig you are, she needs to move on.  And you need to clean up your man juice.

  I have also found panties in the bathroom at my work.  These came to be from two random bar sluts that came into the store to use the bathroom late one Friday night.  Anyway, they were both dressed like streetwalkers, were piss drunk and bitchy as hell.  The two of them head into the bathroom, and immediately after they walk out one of them yells,
   "My God, like we are not stealing the like bathroom." She scolded.  Her voice bitchy, sarcastic, and fake California blonde. 
   After I finally got Vermonster Barbie and her partner in crime-fat Vermonster Barbie out of my store, I had to use the restroom.  I go in and I find a pair of ladies panties.  And they were NOT clean.
   I will refrain from what exactly I found on them, but whichever one it was that left them behind...you should carry tampons or some shit with you. 
  
   I had never thought about how disgusting gas station bathrooms are until I started to work for a gas station.  You quickly learn that people are NASTY! I've seen it all in that bathroom.  Condoms, semen, snatch blood, syringes, mirrors and straws.  Yeah...my bathroom at work is apparently the new age Studio 54.  It is just missing the disco balls.  Thankfully, what it lacks in disco balls it makes up for in blue balls because now I cock block the SHIT out of couples who try to sneak in there. 

     I don't understand why people have to be such assholes when I tell them that they can't go in with someone else into the bathroom at my work.  This isn't a brothel.  You can't just come in and use the bathroom as your smoosh room.  You are probably getting a serious case of athlete's foot from the floors and all the grossness that people touched without washing their hands?  Um, hello, as a female who tends to like having sex, that is just a medical bill for a prescription of an anti-biotic waiting to happen. 
   Ladies and Gents, here is your sex ed lesson for the day because if you are getting it on in a gas station bathroom, you should probably consider the fact that you are collecting a bunch of foreign germs and when they get up inside a girl's who-ha, it's gonna be a bad time.  I'm talking antibiotics (which cancels out birth control pills), and painful urination.  Not to mention that a UTI can lead to pneumonia and pneumonia can lead to death. 

  Gas station sex = bad time.  Don't do it. 

  I look out for you because you read my blogs and you watch my videos and I don't want you to get some weird plague because you wanted to get your D sucked in a bathroom.  Don't give her the D at the gas station.  And Ladies, don't be asking for the D at the gas station.  You'd be in trouble.  

   

 May the sexytime be with you.  Oh and Happy Cinquo de Mayo! 

 xoxo ;)

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