VidPic of The Week: Little Mermaid Castle Phallus

 

   This has always been one of my favorite things about Disney. For those who have been living in a cave away from pop culture for the last 26 years, let me inform you of something outstanding: 
   On the original VHS box for Disney's The Little Mermaid, there is a hidden penis.  Technically, it is a sandcastle, but the pillar in the middle looks like a giant golden dick. 

   I happened to stumble upon this video on YouTube when I was just going through Cracked's station.  I thought it was absolutely hysterical and I wanted it to be my first VidPic of The Twisted Tornado.  So without further ado, LOL to this like I did.  Oh and if you still have the VHS case for this movie.  Fucking save that shit, because it is worth some money and makes a GREAT conversational piece with your children and or in laws. 

xoxo ;)

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Understanding Epilepsy

  

   I was diagnosed with Epilepsy when I was in the 3rd grade.  It's been really hard for me over the years because it set me back a lot in my life.  It's not really something that I like talking about because it is a private pitfall of mine, but I did recently get a request to share a little bit about it to perhaps bring more of an awareness about it.  
   When I was about eight years old, I started having 'petit mal' seizures.  The best way that I can describe it is that I would basically lose consciousness but not fall to the ground and convulse like most depictions of seizures happen in Hollywood.  I'd still be standing but I would be in another little world.  Mid conversation, I would stop talking and just stare.  Kids picked on me about it growing up.  I've spoken before of my bullying and growing up that was the main catalyst in the social hell that I experienced.  
   When my body changed around the age of 13, I started having "Grand Mal" which is the type of seizure that most people think of when they think of the word "seizure".  Falling hard to the floor, tightening of muscles, convulsing violently and biting my tongue.  When I would come out of it, I would suffer from amnesia and denial.  I'd also be significantly fatigued.  Since the age of thirteen, I have had a total of five grand mal seizures.  Knock on wood, my last one was September 11, 2009 as I was driving into work.  

   Here is what Epilepsy really is, broken down into simplicity.  Epileptic seizures result from abnormal, excessive or hypersynchronous neural activity in the brain.  Think of a thunderstorm.  Everything is calm and peaceful and then all of a sudden chaotic and all over the place. The power goes out and everything fades to darkness.  That is the best I can describe it.  
   Seizures have triggers.  Mine is marijuana smoking and sleep deprivation as well as skipping out on my medication.  I haven't skipped my medication since the last time I smoked marijuana which was in 2008.  I had a seizure and it was the end of that because I would substitute bud for my medication because I had read on the internet that it helps curb seizure activity.  Fuck, I was wrong...
   They test seizure disorders by a test called an Electroencephalography (EEG).  This is where they glue a bunch of wires to your head, lie you onto a bed and have you breath heavily while a technician monitors your brain activity in the next room.  They also flash this ridiculously obnoxious strobe light in your face.  The entire point is to see what your triggers are and the severity of your brain.  It is after this that you are put on medication.  Medication for epilepsy (anti-convulsants) are fucking expensive by the way.

I hope that I have everything under control now.  I do sometimes suffer from petit mals from time to time.  Nothing too serious.  Mostly when I have woken up from a short nap but still tired.  

  I do hope that this was helpful and did what I was asked to do.  Spread awareness about it, because it is a very difficult disorder to live with and it keeps patients from being able to enjoy certain things in life.  Like Raves.  Because of the strobe lights.  That is me shedding light on the situation. 

 Take care! ;) xoxo

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Talented YouTuber!

   I like to randomly sort through YouTube to find new things to watch.  I happened to come across this video awhile back and I decided to share it with my readers because it makes me laugh, but it also shows me that there is a lot of talented people out there just waiting to be discovered. 
   This is from a YouTuber that goes by the channel name of Paint and it is his rendition of Disney Songs.  As you can see, it is the same gentleman and it is edited so that it appears to be an a cappella barbershop quartet.  Just take a few minutes and watch it because this guy is awesome and very talented. 

xoxo ;)

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Dr. Seuss Was An Asshole

   So, I understand that Dr. Seuss was this beloved author who turned out a shit ton of books about Cats in Hats and Loraxes (if that's even a word) and Grinches who steal Christmases.  His books always had wording and sentences that rhymed.  I guess they would be considered poems.  Good for him since it made him retardedly famous and legendary! But, thanks to Twitter today, I found out that Dr. Seuss was actually kind of a narcissistic and selfish dick.  And before I get a ton of hate male based on the previous sentence, I will share with you, exactly why I came to this conclusion. 
    Seuss' wife, Helen Palmer Giesel, a fellow author, had a plethora of illnesses including cancer which spanned about 13 years of her life.  Her ailing health caused Seuss to begin an affair with a woman named Audrey Dimond.  It kind of makes me think that it was the WRONG FUCKING TIME to stick his penis into another woman.  I mean, his wife is pretty much dying of cancer.  A real man would stand by his wife and at least have the decency to wait until she passed on to move onto someone else. 
    Guess again, Victoria.
    Eventually, Helen found out about her husband's affair and the mixture between that and her declining health led to her eventual suicide.  She left him a suicide note, which apparently said and I quote:
 
    "Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I don't know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud in my ears from every side I hear, 'failure, failure, failure... I love you so much ... I am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life without you ... My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed ... Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years ..."

   Quite the last words to hear (or read) from your wife, right?  I wonder if Seuss felt any sort of remorse for putting his wife through that emotional turmoil.  His reaction was as follows:

   "I didn't know whether to kill myself, burn the house down, or just go away and get lost.  Whatever Helen did, she did it out of absolute love for me...Her death was her last and greatest gift to me."

   Who the fuck says that about their late wife?  It's not like they were divorced at the time of her death.  They were still sharing a bed at the time of her suicide.  At least on nights when he wasn't sharing a bed with Dimond.  Helen probably was rolling in her grave when that statement was made.
   Seuss shortly thereafter married Dimond, and stayed with her until the end.  Clearly, that's where his priorities were.  And I know that it is wrong to speak ill of the dead and I shouldn't care, but it really bothers me because it proves that even the most seemingly humble man can be dark and evil.  I have NO RESPECT for a person who will cheat on their spouse.  You married them FOR A REASON.  Vows should be held sacred.  That is the entire point of the word "vow". 
   I have no problem with one remarrying after their spouse dies.  Keyphrase however is, "after their spouse dies".  I also understand falling out of love with someone.  That is what divorce is for.  Do not commit adultery because it is one of the lowest things in my opinion a spouse can do.  I just hope the pussy of another woman was amazing enough to hurt Helen the way he did.  But in all fairness, she shouldn't have committed suicide.  Actually, I also retract that because if you have a terminal illness, that is the one instance that I condone suicide. Just a crappy situation that could have been handled better, but even still adultery is rude and cruel.

   That's my rant for the evening.  Take it as you will.  It is just my personal opinion but I will not view Dr. Seuss as the saint I once did as a child. 

   xoxo ;)

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An Encounter I Had At The Old Bennington Cemetery (Warning Long)

  

  I like to take walks through cemeteries and there are a couple of reasons why.  One, is that when I am in a cemetery, I feel this odd sense of peace. This calm feeling that I can stand where I am and not be judged because with all do respect, the people I'm spending time with are too dead to care!  I also enjoy looking at the monuments that now show where people where laid to rest.  The people that go all out and get these unique monuments or headstones for their dead loved ones, are the kind of people that I want planning my burial.  Like the family of this dude:

   That is amazeballs.  Just saying.

   That really is the only funny picture that I have for this particular post, only because the subject matter of this post is a bit more on the sentimental side. The kind of sentiment that makes your heart and feelings get all warm and fuzzy like a teddy bear that just snorted a bunch of Pixie Sticks.  Outstanding.

   If you have been following my blogs at all lately, then you know that I have been at a very "meh" kind of point in my life.  So, last week I went for a stroll in the Old Bennington Cemetery.  For those non-locals, the Old Bennington Cemetery is this ancient cemetery in Old Bennington, Vermont where poet Robert Frost is buried.  It sits behind this elegant old church that I always told my grandparents that I wanted to get married in.  Here is just a preview of it's beauty. 

   I figured that because it was a nice day outside, that I wouldn't have to worry about there being a lot of other people in the cemetery.  School is still in session, and it is still a bit early for the tourists to start coming around.  I took some time and looked at the breaking monuments for people who died in 1803.  Saddens me that over the years due to misuse and vandalism they are being torn apart.  

   Anyway, for the most part I had the entire cemetery to myself.  Until I went walking down the path towards Robert Frost's final resting place.  That's when I had a run in with the only other person in that entire cemetery.  

   There was this lovely elderly lady who was standing over a tombstone holding a small chihuahua that was convulsing like it was suffering from some sort of puppy seizure.  She had colored brown hair,cut into the style of a bob that definitely knocked a few years off of her elegant face.  Her makeup was done perfectly, and because it was warm weather that day, she stood wearing salmon colored capri pants, a white button up shirt and was wearing a brown sun hat with BIG Jackie Kennedy Onassis sunglasses over her eyes.  She had to be about 65, I guessed.  Oh, and her toy dog's name was, ChiChi.  

    I said "Hello" to her, and she introduced herself as Constance.  Constance asked me what I was doing at the cemetery and if I was there visiting someone.

   "No, I am just out for a walk.  I like it here.  It's historic." I replied.  The poor woman probably thought I was some sort of loony toon.

   "I'm here visiting my husband, like I do every day." Constance informed me.  It was then that I looked at the tombstone she was standing over.  Her husband, Benjamin had passed away in 2010.  

   "I'm so sorry." I replied, my tone nervous and awkward.  Constance shook her head and told me it was fine. 

   She told me that since the day he died, she comes and visits him twice a day with ChiChi because her happiest times of the day was "waking up and seeing his face first thing in the morning, and the last thing [she'd] see at night, giving her the purpose to do it all over again the next day."

   Now, usually it's little comments like that that would normally make me want to barf, since I have pretty much decided that love only really exists in fairy tales and Hollywood nowadays. But honestly, that is what love is all about.  That devotion! Many people have lost sight of what love actually really means and it's that!

   Constance continued to inform me that she and Ben spent 44 years together and although she wanted to strangle him almost every day for those 44 years, she never loved him any less.  They had four children, had numerous grandchildren, and then she told me what made me start to cry.  

   I suppose that Ben had really quickly ailing health.  Sadly, he passed on in the hospital with Constance and their children by his side.  While Ben was still coherent enough to carry on bits and pieces of conversation, he told Constance that when he dies, he wants her to remarry if a decent enough guy comes along.  Constance, angered by Ben's attitude goes on this tirade about how she will only say wedding vows to one man and will hold them the most sacred.  She then promises him that when he dies, she will come visit him in the morning and in the evening because it is what will get her through to the next day.  And so she does.

   She told me that she understands that it doesn't make a difference to Ben or not whether she is there twice a day or not.  But she also told me that she was never one for breaking promises.  Especially to him.  Standing near her husbands grave and being there for an hour twice a day still makes her feel like she has that connection to him.  She jokingly said that it was nice to have a little peace and quiet with him, since apparently he talked a lot while he was alive.  

    She told me that no matter what the circumstances are, there is a person out there for everybody who will have that devotion to you.  Chivalry and romance isn't dead after all, it's just askew from what it was back when Ben and Constance first met.  I would love to have the type of marriage that Constance described to me that she had with Ben.  It was like Cinderella meets the Brady Bunch.  I think in some weird way, the devotion she has to Ben, even in death, gives me hope that somewhere out there is the person I will have that connection with.  Thank you Constance for enlightening me and telling me your story!  Oh, and ChiChi is adorable.  I wanted to clone him.

    

    So sometimes you go to cemeteries to mourn the dead or visit them.  If you are me, you go and you meet some really cool people that you can engage in good conversations with.  Funny how life works like that, hmm?  Maybe, if this whole "angels watching over us" dogma is real, then maybe just maybe Ben orchestrated this encounter from some cloud because he saw that we both needed to just chat with a random non dangerous stranger...  Too bad, I don't believe in that dogma.  But if I did; Bravo, Ben.  Bravo.

;) xoxo

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I Smell Pretty! Oh So Pretty!

    I am a girl, in case you didn't already know that.  Given the fact that I am a girl, there is a pretty good possibility that I will have an addiction to a beauty product.  Some girls collect an obscene amount of lip glosses.  Other girls collect a shit ton of bath products.  Well, I am here to tell you that I, Victoria von Mueller, do in fact have a SEVERE addiction to perfumes/body sprays.  That is my vanity in the picture above.  That is only a fraction of what I have!

   It is very important to smell good.  One of my biggest pet peeves amongst society is people that walk around in public smelling of onions. You know that smell that I'm talking about.  The one where it's like you have run an entire mile in the heaviest clothing you own, without putting on deodorant.  Sometimes, deodorant isn't enough, and you want that extra scent to really get your social party started.  Like, me.

   You name that particular category of perfume and I have it.  I have the fruity/flirty scents.  I have the sophisticated/musky scents.  I have the scent that makes you smell like a baked apple pie of deliciousness.  And then, there is the "come fuck me" scents, which is pretty much anything from Victoria's Secret.  Love Spell.  

   I am currently carrying two bottles of body spray in my purse.  One, is a flirty scent.  The other is a peony musk scent.  If I am just hanging out with the guys, drinking beers then I wear the pink bottle.  If I am going out to the bar with my crew or on a date then I wear the clear bottle.  If I am REALLY trying to impress whomever it is that I am with, then I go with option C which is the bottle of Juicy Couture that is also in my purse. 

   Sometimes, because I feel risky and risque, I like to combine the two just to see if anybody is paying attention.  And then sometimes, I just wear what the fuck ever I find in my room but I am ADDICTED to the Calgon Sweet Crush.  I wear it when I'm out at a fancy party.  I even wear it when I am sitting in my room lounging in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt.  I have to smell good all the time.  It is the ONE thing I am addicted to that is girly.  

   I'm not entirely too sure what the point of writing this article exactly was, other than the fact that I am willing to divulge random shit of my life. I encourage everyone to smell better.  Spritz away my cyclones!

 

xoxo ;)

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BubbleBerry Rockstar Review

  I am an energy drink fiend. So today, I came across this gem at work. Rockstar BubbleBerry. 

  Let's just think about this for a second. Just let it soak in. Rockstar has combined bubblegum, berry flavoring and caffeine. Oh the wonders!

   I can only think of describing it as this: mind you I am two cans deep of this stuff as I write this review. 

   Think of Barbie's Dreamhouse. Pink, girly and frilly. Now imagine if her house was edible. It would probably taste like a giant ball of bubblegum right? 

   Now mix that girly flavor with berries. Add some steroid and you have this concoction that tastes like a rinse at the dentists' office but that is counter productive because it has so much sugar it is ruining your teeth. 

  In conclusion, Rockstar's BubbleBerry is liquid estrogen steroids and acid in a can. Every sip makes me grimace because it is so disgusting, yet so appealing because of its unique blend of flavor. A bad train wreck you can't look away from, in your mouth. 

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Venting...Explanation to Who I Am

  I am human. Therefore, I go through trials and tribulations and ups and downs in life just like everybody else. Sometimes, I'm very happy and then other times like tonight, I feel empty and just somber. I've been trying to have a more positive outlook on life, but still there is a missing piece to the puzzle. 

   Looking forward in high school, I didn't want to be stuck in Vermont at 25. As my 25th birthday is approaching in two short months, I am beginning to experience what my older sister referred to once as a "quarter life crisis".  I always liked the term, but I had hoped I would never experience one. Fact of the matter is, I always figured I'd be somewhere in life. Not in a dead end job, but in a career. Living somewhere with substance. 

  I didn't want to be a mother at 25, which hopefully it stays that way. I've done pretty good at not popping out a kid yet. Do I want children someday? Yes. I know I will one day make a fantastic mom. I also don't want to be tied down in marriage yet. I made the mistake of almost getting married at a young age and I am so glad I bailed. Truth be told, I wasn't ready. I'm still not. If that experience taught me anything, it is that you must love someone if you plan to commit fully. Which in the end, I didn't. A relationship would be nice, because I do crave companionship. However, I am in no rush to walk down the aisle even though my wedding gown is beautiful. 

  My settled down age is around 28. I need to be grounded and know who I am before I involve offspring into my life. I need to be in a stable career. Living on my own or with my eventual significant other. I look around me and I see people I graduated high school with buying homes and traveling. Making a difference and I can't help but kick myself for not trying harder a few years back to accomplish those things. 

   I have been told my entire life by some who should have been more optimistic about my skills that I won't amount to much. I'm starting to feel that way. I know I am intelligent. Not because I eventually graduated with honors, but because at one point I was making a difference. I still try to. That is why I have started this blog. I want to entertain and use my humor and brains to influence people. 

  I almost did not graduate high school. I slacked off, and I kept failing at math. Which was really weird because I kicked major ass with chemistry. So, when an acceptance letter to college came in the mail, I as well as the discouraging members of my life, were fucking surprised. When I graduated on Dean's List, we were all REALLY fucking surprised. That was my glorified "fuck you and suck on that" moment in life. So, when it did not pan out as a career as quickly as I had hoped, I felt discouraged. I still do. 

  Today, I posted a column listing all the things I am awesome at to boost my confidence a bit. It worked and I do feel a bit more confident in myself. I have to. At the end of the day, you really can only please yourself. 

  I spent many of years growing up being bullied. Nothing severe. Probably because social networking didn't exist until college. A lot of kids were assholes to me. Made fun of me for my teeth, forehead acne and my weight. Well, I just want to give a major "fuck off" to my teenaged bullies because I'm thin now with perfect skin and a set of smileys that will look fabulous when they are done. Haha. 

  Because of my epilepsy, I was placed in Special Ed and that was really hard because I learned things at a lot slower pace than my peers. So, when they kicked me out in 6th grade because they realized I have a brain and a seizure disorder is NOT a Learning Disability, I was so far behind and caught tons of shit for it. I still hold resentment for that because it weakened me. I would be a lot further had I been able to learn more. Thanks, Arlington School District. Dicks. 

   I don't write this article for sympathy. I write it because writing is the only way I can express my deepest and darkest feelings. Friends try to understand why I am the way I am and I just have you the inside of my brain. For those who took the time to read this rant, I do appreciate it. Sometimes I just have to vent and get my shit out in the open. It's catharsis for me. 

;) xoxo

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Things I Am A Boss At

  "...like a boss" has become such a mainstream statement lately, that it has caused me to reflect on the things I am a boss at. For those who do not know what the term "boss" means, here is the Urban Dictionary definition:

"Incredibly awesome"

 I've really been trying to meditate on my lack of confidence and insecurities lately. Thus, I sat and made a list of all the things that make me awesome. So, without further ado, I shall now gloat about my amazing-ness. 

1. Writing. I am hilarious and I can compose predicates like a boss. 

2. Doing my makeup. I've learned how to match foundation and the liquid line. 

3. Speed texting...I respond quickly. If I like you. 

4. Planning a romantic date. I'm a hopeless romantic who still believes a simple walk at night can be a perfect date.

5. Style. I clean up well. Whether it is clothes to wear in public or slutty lingerie, I can look good.

6. Rainbow Road in Mario Kart for Wii.

7. Reciting every line from The Godfather. 

8. Knowing Pop Culture. 

9. Cooking some exotic dishes. 

10. Pole dancing. Not because I am a stripper, but because I took the exercise class. 

11. Shopping on a budget. 

12. I can type without looking at the screen. I also type fast. 

13. Making sandwiches. Oh my sweet baby Jesus, my sammiches are good!

14. Inventing insulting pet names. Example: douche captain mctampon pants. 

  Everyone is a total boss at one trade or another. You just have to find the random crap deep inside that you kick ass at. You've read my list. It's pretty random. Even if it is the weird stuff you rock at in life, it is that which makes you awesome. 

Xoxo ;)

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Word of Wisdom/Thank You

  I have to be honest here. I have spent the last three years of my life in this horrible rut. I've loved and lost. My paying job makes me miserable and I can't get back on my feet. I wake up in the mornings wondering what my life means, and why I have such a hard time finding happiness. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Who did I piss off to have Madam Karma on my ass. Karma must be a chick. Too much vendetta to be a dude. 

   Then, I had an epiphany! I needed to stop complaining about how my life had turned into Suckfest and actually DO SOMETHING about it. So, I accomplished the following:

  1. Got my Bachelor's Degree. 

  2. Lost 68 lbs 

  3. Got a car loan on my own and pulled my credit back up higher than I thought. 

  4. Started eating healthier and working out. That ties into #2. 

   I still have a long road ahead of me but these are my goals for upcoming changes. 

   1. Tone my body now that I'm thin again

   2. Get my teeth fixed

   3. Ditch my glasses and invest in contacts

   4. Maybe get my Master's Degree or at the very least publish something like a children's book. 

   5. Build confidence because I am in fact one of a kind and amazing. 

   6. Find strength and keep calm and carry on. 

   It all won't happen overnight. But, if I am ever going to make something of myself and find general happiness, I need to make the adjustments. Despite how much I feel like an utter fuck up sometimes, I could always be worse off. I could have a criminal record or be into drugs. Sell my now sexy body for sex. All these potentially terrible things, and I spend more time stressing about the stupid stuff like why my job fails at making me happy. 

   The kind words and praise I get from my actual fan base give me the motivation to carry on. For those who retweet my links to The Twisted Tornado, I appreciate it more than you know. It gives me purpose to know that my dream is slowly coming a reality. 

   I always knew I wanted to use my charisma to entertain. The fact I do that through this blog, and words of encouragement give me the confidence that I am accomplishing one of my most valued goals. I wouldn't change that feeling of ecstasy for anything else in the world. Thank you for the support and I love you all! <3 

   Ok, enough sappy shit. 

    Anyway, this particular post was to give my readers the motivation to do as I did and look within and realize that life could be worse. YOU could be worse. There is nothing wrong with change as long as it is an IMPROVEMENT because at the end of the day, you deserve to feel happy with yourself. Not everyone will love you, but above all else you need to love yourself. And remember this: 1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people; Don't let 1 ruin your day.

  Love, Victoria von Mueller. 

   ;) xoxo

Bucket List: Travel Edition

   Everyone has their own specific Bucket List of stuff they want to do before they die.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The one that lists all the people you want to have sex with in an elevator with.  The one that has all the different skills you want to master like reading the Iliad or learning how to play the guitar like Jimmy Page.  We all have that list.  My lists don't really involve people I want to have sex with, nor do I wish to read the Iliad, but I do have a lot of travel stuff on my Bucket List.
    A couple of years ago, my grandfather and I sat down and made this extensive list of all the places in the world we want to visit.  We named the countries, the sights, what we wanted to do when we got there.  Unfortunately, most of them will probably not happen unless one of us wins the lottery, but as you can see my Pops and I would fit right in in good ol Lithuania drinking!

   The first place we wanted to go is in fact, Lithuania.  It is where 85% of my heritage comes from.  Most people I mention Lithuania to, look at me and say, "What the fuck is Lithuania?"  Well, let me give you a bit of a Geography lesson.
   Lithuania is a country in Northern Europe.  It sits right on the Baltic Sea by Sweden.  It has been occupied by both the Soviet Union and the Nazis but has since become its own little country full of basketball playing gorgeous people who like beets.
   I want to go to the capital, Vilnius.  I have NO desire to eat any authentic Lithuanian food however, because of the fact that they like their beets and potatoes a little bit too much.  I'm not a beet person.  But here are some quick stills of the beautiful city where some of my relatives still happen to live.

  Pretty, isn't it?

  The next place that we said we wanted to visit was Greece.  I love Greek architecture and let's face it, next to the Jewish, Greeks throw the BEST weddings! Any sort of party where you can throw plates at one another, sign me up for that shit!  Plus there's the feta and the olives and the Mediterranean Sea.  This is Santorini, the one place I want to go that isn't something usual like Athens.

   I love how the blue on the top of the buildings fits nicely with the shade of the sea and the bright blue skies.
   I also want to visit Greece, because I have this crazy obsession with Greek Mythology.  My favorites are the stories of Pandora's box and my absolute favorite Greek Myth is the one about Demeter's daughter Persephone.
  Persephone was Demeter (the goddess for harvest)'s daughter who was kidnapped by Hades and dragged into the underworld.  Demeter spent so much time looking for her beloved daughter that seasons just stopped and things started dying off.  Zeus sends Hermes to Hades to release her but Hades had a trick up his sleeve and gave Persephone a pomegranate.  When Persephone ate the pomegranate, she immediate became bound to him as his wife for four months out of every year.  Typically, the Winter months.
   As for, Pandora's Box, everyone knows that story.  Blonde bitch gets a box and is told NOT to open it.  Temptation gets her and she opens it, causing this epic rift by letting most of the evil out into the world.  She stopped one demon from flying out though.  Supposedly it was hope but I don't know.

   Next place I want to visit is Paris.  It's totally a typical Bucket List destination, but here is my reasoning as to why.
   I love everything French.  I love French food.  I love the language.  I love the scenery and the fashion.  I remember about 90% of what I learned in French class in High School. 
   Now, of course I want to go see the Eiffel Tower and the Arc d' Triumph.  Beyond that, however, I want to go to a cafe and have real espresso.  With a croque monsier (which is just the fancy Francais name for a grilled ham and cheese sandwich but it sounds so much better in French) and some champagne. 
   I also want to go and see Sacre Coeur, which translates to Sacred Heart and it is a BEAUTIFUL cathedral in Paris. 

   While I am gallivanting around in Paris, I am also a big classic rock person.  For anyone that knows classic rock, and the influence and backbone behind it, you probably know where this is going.  Who was an influential musician who died at a young age and is now buried in Paris?  If you guessed, Jim Morrison of The Doors, DING DING you win!

  On the subject of death, I now bring you to the next place I want to visit and that is the Taj Mahal. 

   Back to another history lesson.  The Taj Mahal was constructed after Emperor Jahan's beloved third wife died horrifically during childbirth.  Mind you, the Mrs. was in the process of giving birth to her FOURTEENTH child!  

   Anyway, so an overly grieving Jahan goes and builds this massive tomb for his wife using marble brought from all over the world.  That's true love right there! 

   

   Next place I would love to go is The Great Wall of China.  Not because I really want to visit China in any way shape or form, but just because I want to see in real life what this massive wall looks like! If you can see it from outer space, damn it, I want to see it right in front of me!

  

    The concept of the Great Wall of China has always fascinated me.  The thing is roughly 2,500 miles long not to mention all the side ways of it.  It took forever to build.  I mean, numerous dynasties.  Not to mention, my favorite random side note but it is also a cemetery.  So many construction workers died during the construction of the wall, that the fellow workers wouldn't even move their bodies.  They would just build over them.  So, essentially, you are walking on a very long pile of bodies.  

    Don't worry, it's been so long that their remains are back to being dust at this point.  But it is kind of eerie.  

 

    Next place is The Vatican.  Now, as my faithful readers have already learned, I HATE CATHOLICISM.  Just earlier, I made a comment to my lapsed Methodist dad, how I am convinced that the Catholic Church's money goes directly to the Pope for his funny hat and fancy robes.  Now, the only reason as to why I want to go to the Vatican is because I just want to see what the big fucking deal is!  Seriously, I won't go into another religious debate, but I will say that I love the architecture.  That is really the only reason I would even consider going there to begin with.

   Next is Pompeii/Mt. Vesuvius.  Mt. Vesuvius is a volcano in Italy that erupted in 79 AD and BURIED an entire civilization.  Now, Pompeii has turned into quite the tourist attraction because the bodies of the victims were covered in ash and forever kept them preserved just as they were when they expired.  Apparently, and I don't know how true it is, but I have heard/read that in one of the houses in Pompeii, there is a couple making love.  Can you imagine that being the way you go out? Not to mention the fact that Pompeii was an EXTREMELY sexual ancient society.  Comparatively, it is often joked that if Pompeii's society was around today it would be like MTV meets Playboy Network. 

    

The final place that I would love to go is actually Jerusalem.  But that will NEVER happen because I'm not going to a country that is on the news every day for having car bombings.  No.  I wanted to go to Jerusalem to see what all the fuss is about.  The Middle East is where all the stories in the bible take place, and I understand that thousands of years have passed, but I'd still like to see what it is all about there.

    I'm pretty sure, fucking Moses wasn't anticipating that his land would keep getting blown up by the Pakistanis.  

   I remember watching an episode of The 700 Club one night a long time ago back when I was in high school.  I remember that they were doing this expose on supposedly finding the cave where Jesus' body was laid to rest the day he died, as well as it being the cave his zombie manifestation rose from three days later.  

   It would be cool to go and hunt for super valuable landmarks like that! Trying to find the Holy Grail and Jesus' tomb among countless other things that aren't proven to have existed but are believed to have existed.  I want to find them all.

   Looks pretty spectacular when you don't consider that somewhere deep inside there is a car bombing about to happen. 

  There is my Bucket List for Travel.  Eventually I will post all of my various Bucket Lists.

  If you like reading my stuff, please Like me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TheTwistedTornado

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  And I just want to give a BIG P.S. Shout out to my readers who have been leaving me fan mail.  It means a lot guys.  <3

xoxo ;)

Gas Station Sexytime? No, Thanks Brah! *Warning: Gross*

  Okay, so this week's second article is about sex and gas stations and how the two coincide with one another apparently.  Throw in a flaming pile of asshole attitude and we have a recipe for creampie disaster. 

Wrong kind of "cream"...

   Unfortunately, when God decided to make up my chemical makeup, He/She decided to make me a people person.  Now, on the flipside of that, Satan(a) has also made me completely cynical in everyday situations. He also decided to throw in a kicker of male sense of humor.  Therefore I can make funnies about genitalia and allow it to be completely socially awkward.  

    Which is why the fact I work in customer service is kind of a coin flip.  On one hand, I can have conversations like this:

  Asshole Customer: "It is all your fault that these cigarettes are X amount of dollars more than they are everyone else."

  Me: "Actually, it's not but I understand your pain."

  Asshole Customer: "Fuck you." (slams Door)

  And then I can have these conversations on the other hand:

  Asshole Customer: "It is all your fault that these cigarettes are X amount of dollars more than they are everywhere else."

  Me: "Hey, pipe the fuck down! Here's your packet of Pall Malls!" 

  They tend to frown upon the latter of those two scenarios but they have happened!

  I cannot stand stupid fucking people.  At all.  I have people come in on a daily basis that either don't know how to pump their own gas (thanks to the fine smelly state of New Jersey for that one).  I also have people come in, that apparently have forgotten how to flush a fucking toilet when they go out in public.  I cannot go reapply my lip gloss in the bathroom at work without finding a turd or a tampon just chilling in the toilet.  Then again, one day, I stumbled upon this while trying to reapply my eyelash:

  Of all of the places in the entire world that I would want to have sex, a gas station bathroom is NOT one of them.  I mean, one, as I have said you never know what you will find in there.  Sometimes I find the urinal can't flush so then there is just piss chilling there from Dudes. 
   I remember the couple that went into the bathroom that day.  The girl, made sure that I wasn't paying attention and then snuck in with her partner.  She had to have been quiet as a mouse because not ONCE did I hear her make any sort of peep. 
   It's just so filthy.  I get the whole wanting to do it in a public place.  That thrill of maybe you will get caught and arrested.  I get it.  But WHY pick a gas station bathroom? It's disgusting.  Do you have any idea, what could maybe be in there?! Let me enlighten you quickly:

   A year ago, a man went into the bathroom and he was in there for a good twenty minutes.  I went into the bathroom about an hour later to find that he had explosive diarrhea and it had gone EVERYWHERE! I'm talking, the ceiling, the doors, the back of the toilet.  Yeah.  That was NOT a fun experience.  Now, I would rather take the condom wrapper over liquified dookie of course but it doesn't matter what you make of it.  The fact of the matter is, people are fucking disgusting and will destroy public bathrooms because they don't have to clean them.  Show some decency people!

 

  You have to buy them when you are old anyhow.  You might as well get a head start now.

  Another thing about having sex in the bathroom of a gas station, if you are going to do it, then make sure you clean the fuck up afterwards.  I walked into the bathroom of my work one day, and it was later at night on the 4th of July.  I legit go to sit on the toilet to take a leak and long and behold I see a white substance sitting on the top of the toilet seat. 
   Semen.  Some guy had gotten his ejaculate all over the toilet seat.  Dude, bravo on your whole "pull out" method or whatever but clean your shit up! I do not want to be anywhere near the vicinity of your little tadpoles.  I mean, you had toilet paper right there next to you and you couldn't clean up after yourself.  I hope that it was just a random hookup because if your lady friend is with you knowing how much of a pig you are, she needs to move on.  And you need to clean up your man juice.

  I have also found panties in the bathroom at my work.  These came to be from two random bar sluts that came into the store to use the bathroom late one Friday night.  Anyway, they were both dressed like streetwalkers, were piss drunk and bitchy as hell.  The two of them head into the bathroom, and immediately after they walk out one of them yells,
   "My God, like we are not stealing the like bathroom." She scolded.  Her voice bitchy, sarcastic, and fake California blonde. 
   After I finally got Vermonster Barbie and her partner in crime-fat Vermonster Barbie out of my store, I had to use the restroom.  I go in and I find a pair of ladies panties.  And they were NOT clean.
   I will refrain from what exactly I found on them, but whichever one it was that left them behind...you should carry tampons or some shit with you. 
  
   I had never thought about how disgusting gas station bathrooms are until I started to work for a gas station.  You quickly learn that people are NASTY! I've seen it all in that bathroom.  Condoms, semen, snatch blood, syringes, mirrors and straws.  Yeah...my bathroom at work is apparently the new age Studio 54.  It is just missing the disco balls.  Thankfully, what it lacks in disco balls it makes up for in blue balls because now I cock block the SHIT out of couples who try to sneak in there. 

     I don't understand why people have to be such assholes when I tell them that they can't go in with someone else into the bathroom at my work.  This isn't a brothel.  You can't just come in and use the bathroom as your smoosh room.  You are probably getting a serious case of athlete's foot from the floors and all the grossness that people touched without washing their hands?  Um, hello, as a female who tends to like having sex, that is just a medical bill for a prescription of an anti-biotic waiting to happen. 
   Ladies and Gents, here is your sex ed lesson for the day because if you are getting it on in a gas station bathroom, you should probably consider the fact that you are collecting a bunch of foreign germs and when they get up inside a girl's who-ha, it's gonna be a bad time.  I'm talking antibiotics (which cancels out birth control pills), and painful urination.  Not to mention that a UTI can lead to pneumonia and pneumonia can lead to death. 

  Gas station sex = bad time.  Don't do it. 

  I look out for you because you read my blogs and you watch my videos and I don't want you to get some weird plague because you wanted to get your D sucked in a bathroom.  Don't give her the D at the gas station.  And Ladies, don't be asking for the D at the gas station.  You'd be in trouble.  

   

 May the sexytime be with you.  Oh and Happy Cinquo de Mayo! 

 xoxo ;)

Like The Twisted Tornado on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TheTwistedTornado
Twitter is @vlewin1988
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Six More Random Facts About Me

   So not too long ago, I wrote a post explaining a whole bunch of random facts about me and it just so happens that even to this date, it is the most read post I have ever written.  Bra-strology is slowly coming up behind it.  But, every time I check my statistics on Google for what posts are being read, I am BAFFLED that the Random Facts About Me tag is the most read.  This is always my expression upon seeing that people in Europe are reading The Twisted Tornado:

Imagine a dance, too.

   This particular post is going to be a continuation of that post.  Explaining all these random and stupid little facts about me and my life.  So, without further ado, I bring you six more random facts about me:

1. I Was TERRIFIED of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as a Child.

   And this was the only reason as to why:

   FUCK THAT BITCH!

  To this day, I still am weirded out by the old peddler woman.  I'm 25 years old.  I shouldn't be so freaked out about a cartoon character, right?  Well, as it turns out I'm going to use a bit of my psych degree here and fill you all in on the fact that being afraid of movie monsters as an adult is an actual condition...it's called being a pussy and I am the Queen of Cats.

   I remember, for the longest time, I could not have anything directly tied to Snow White around because the witch freaked me out so bad.  We are talking nightmares here, and she made me afraid of old women! Well her, and the old lady from Legion that crawls on the ceiling. 

I see a reoccurring pattern here..Old ladies = Death

  

  2.  I Am Addicted to This Video:

   This is AMAZING! Bravo to this dude.  May his balls rest in peace from being hiked up in that unitard.

  3.  I have a minor addiction to burritos

   So, I have been on this wicked burrito kick lately.  I'm talking big, beefy, burritos that seem like a fun time at first, but then hours later when your stomach is in knots and you want to die, you realize it was a really stupid fucking idea.  

   The beans. The sour cream.  Tomato, Lettuce, Cheese, Salsa....Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.  

   I could live on Taco Bell, if it wasn't guaranteed to turn my colon into toothpaste.  And don't even get me started on Nacho Cheese Chalupas!

It's like sex in my mouth...

  4.  I Am A Goo Hoarder

   You wanna talk about 'that chick' that has a bunch of makeup, lotions, shampoos, etc. that are not completely used up and then she buys more and starts using the new stuff before using up all the old stuff?  Yep, that's me!  

   I have: 4 bottles of foundations, 6 different kinds of mascara, over ten lip glosses.  Not to mention all the half empty shampoos, conditioners and lotions I have.  For Christ's sake, I've had the same bottle of Valentino's Rock n Rose body lotion underneath my sink for the last 4 years and I've maybe only used it TWICE.

   I just get bored using the same scents over and over and over again and I want boys to be in my general vicinity and be like, "Wow, that Amazonian brunette smells fantastic."  Then, the next time he sees me, I smell completely different.  

   Life is all about variety, right?

 5. That "dolphin skin" feeling that you get on your legs right after you shave them, never freaked me out until someone on Twitter said that it feels like dolphins.

   So my shins feel like Flipper...fucktastic!

  6. I have NEVER seen Scarface all the way through.

   I made it to this scene:

  Then, I almost threw up, but then I passed out.  

   We all know the, "Say hello to my little friend!" line at the end.  I just would have been fine if that was the only part that I saw.  My ex made me watch this and didn't inform me that some guy was going to get butchered by a chainsaw!! I'm from Vermont, okay? Having a chainsaw is a necessity, and nobody wants to be sliced apart by one.  Worst, idea ever! 

  So, there is a few more facts.  I didn't really put as much time into them as I usually do.  Mostly, because I am human and when I log onto YouTube to bring videos into the blog, I get to watching them and then I am distracted and it is insane.  I have internet ADD I swear! 

  Maybe next week, I will post a vlog of me learning how to do the Harlem Shake...? Idea? Let's do it!!

Like The Twisted Tornado on Facebook and tell your friends and NO you will not see my tits nor my ass so don't ask.  I'm running a blog not a strip club! https://www.facebook.com/TheTwistedTornado 

Twitter: vlewin1988

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xoxo ;)