A fan of mine gave me the idea to share my worst date experience, just for shits and giggles because they figure that with my luck with love, I must have one that really makes me look fucking fantabulous. Well, here I am to deliver that story because it is a great one.
About a year and a half ago, I went through this transitional period where I was between two semi-serious relationships. In between, I decided to date a little here and there just to occupy my time because I hate being alone. So, one of my friends set me up with this guy, I will call Luke. She swore up and down that Luke was this great guy and was smart and funny and handsome and had a good job and was well structured. Okay, so I'll have dinner with the guy. What could it hurt, right?
We went to this fancy restaurant in between both of our houses. He was pretty handsome, and major kudos on the fact that he knew how to pull together an outfit. A man that can dress himself without looking like a bum is a plus for me. He was sitting there, drinking a beer on tap and patiently waiting for me. When he saw me, he flashed a pretty decent smile.
The boy wore a nice cologne, and chatted me up about his family and his goals and a whole bunch of other bullshit that I thought to myself, maybe this guy is worth taking a chance. Then he dropped the biggest piece of bullshit I had heard since I was with my pathological lying ex:
"Yeah, so I'm a cop on [my town] Police Force." He says. Suddenly, my sexual and emotional interest was no longer there, and here is why.
I live in a small town. I know all of the cops on the police force and most of them are very dear friends of mine. So, you can imagine through my astonishment that this guy was completely full of shit. He told me about how he had just graduated from the academy and how he was going to one day be Detective. Yeah, okay buddy. I lost all interest and texted my friend telling her the code word we have for one another when we are on bad dates. Pretty much, the other person calls and says there is an emergency and we duck out like our house is burning down. She was unreachable, so I had to sit through this dinner and continue to listen to the crap coming out of this guy's mouth.
Finally, I had had enough. I called him out and you should have seen the look on the kid's face. He tried calling my bluff, until he realized that I have many of them saved in my phone as personal contacts. I was actually offended that he thought I was a stupid girl who would fall for that crap. Nice try, Nash Bridges. Nice try.
The next day, I told the story to one of my very close cop buddies and he laughed his ass off and told me about how he had arrested him not so long ago, because he told some other girl that he was an officer. This other girl, was the Detective at the time's FUCKING NIECE! Big mistake, because he was formally charged with fraud and impersonating a police officer. I'm laughing my butt off while writing this because I remember how absolutely crazy this idiot is. I am so glad I dodged that bullet.
The problem is, that Luke tells the wrong girls about his fantasy career to try to bed them. While a man in uniform is sexy, I really have to say that it has to be a REAL uniform. None of this Halloween Store stuff. I sometimes wonder how he has ended up. Whether he has committed the same crime again. Why not just tell people you went to Hogwarts and are now a wizard? Oh and that you had sex with Hermoine. That's just as believable.
Not to mention reading this guy's text messages was like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphs. I remember he sent me a text that read:
"Y U No Call Me NEMore? U a bitch 4 dittching me."
I am a writer for a living! Spelling is very important and if you can't even produce a predicate, let alone spell the simple words of why and you, bet your Batman loving ass I will not sleep with you. Instant turn off. Sorry.
Again, I'm glad I dodged that bullet. I'm all set with fake law enforcement. Thanks.
xoxo ;)
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