Bra-strology and What Your Bra Says About You (For Men, Just Enjoy the Pictures)

     Real quick! What is squishy and has a twin and gets you free drinks at the bar when enough of their genetic makeup is showing? 

     That's right! Tits.  

    So, for this week's column, I have been working on this article for two weeks or so now because I figured I needed it to be perfected before I release it to the public.  For my fellow vagina friends who read The Twisted Tornado, you will find this probably pretty insightful.  To all my guy friends who read the blog, you pretty much just get another rambling story from me and a lot of REALLY NICE BOOBIE PICTURES!

    It's a win/win for everybody!

   My initial thought for how this came to be was the fact that all of my bras fall apart.  Wires and shit go missing, lace rips and it just turns out to be a hot mess.  I have realized that depending on what bra I wear, kinda tells what mood I'm in and how my day will go.  Hence, I came up with Bra-strology.  Pretty catchy name right?

SPORTS BRAS:

 What your bra choice says about you:  You like to keep your shit on lockdown.  Much like the reason some men wear tighty-whiteys as opposed to boxers.  They like their shit close to their body.  That's what you get with this specific bra choice.  You're sweater melons aren't going anywhere, Honey.  Those things are held down to your chest, tighter than a background check to become airport security!  It also says that you are not planning on getting laid in any way shape or form.  Unless you are a gym slut.

You're Bra Horoscope: You won't get laid.  Again, if you are a chick who goes to the gym and pics up guys because you are a predatory sexual athlete, then YOU may get laid.  But otherwise, you are just going to run around a lot and maybe kick some balls at some goals.  Not exciting...

LACE BRA:

What your bra choice says about you: Look at the picture above.  See that blond bitch that most girls look at and think to themselves, "Curse her beauty!" Well, deal with it because Victoria's Secret Barbie up above shines confidence.  Why? Look at what she is wearing.  Black and lace.  Black and lace means one thing and in the lingerie world that means dirty, filthy, kinky, 50 Shades of Grey sex.  If you step out of your house wearing a lace bra, you clearly are feeling pretty damn confident that day.  You know that your chest trolls are perky and where they are supposed to be and you feel like Britney fucking Spears.  Yep.

Your Bra Horoscope: Okay, so I think it goes without saying that there is a good possibility that someone will be removing your lace bra that is not you.  Maybe they will remove it with their teeth.  Who knows? But no matter what happens, you will have a good day because someone will definitely have a smile on their face when you take your top off.  

THE NERDY BRA

What your bra says about you: You are fucking awesome and have a really good personality because your lingerie has cultural refrences.  
Your Bra Horoscope: If the person you are letting take off this said undergarments doesn't reconize the characters on your bra, time to ditch him.  

THE BRA THAT SHOOTS STUFF LIKE FIRE AND COOL WHIP

What your bra says about you: You take risks and aren't afraid to have your hair catch on fire or attract a morbidly obese sexual predator who enjoys nipples that shoot out delicious sugary substances.  Amen, Sister! Now, notice that Katy Perry is the face of this sub-section.  That chick's tits are always shooting stuff out of them! Whipped cream, fireworks, Cheese in a can! If you actually are so crazy enough to buy a bra that projectiles some sort of substance, then you are some special woman!

Your Bra Horoscope: To avoid possible lawsuits due to malfunctioning cups, make sure people standing in front of your breasts are wearing proper eye protection.

THE BANDEAU

What your bra says about you: You must have mosquito bites for boobs because chicks like me who have DD's cannot wear the headband bra.  I call it the "headband bra" because it seriously looks like this chick went and stretched out a headband and put it over her tits.  It's a nipple slip waiting to happen. 
Your Bra Horoscope: Be prepared to constantly have to life that headband bra up and readjust it all day.




   So, that was part 1.  Part 2 will come along soon and will honestly probably be a vlog.  I think I've caused enough uncomfortably for one day.  

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