My Worst Date Experience

   We have all been on that one date that has gone terribly wrong.  The chemistry didn't match up.  They smell really bad.  It's very apparent that they have no direction in life.  We have all been there.  It happens. 
   A fan of mine gave me the idea to share my worst date experience, just for shits and giggles because they figure that with my luck with love, I must have one that really makes me look fucking fantabulous.  Well, here I am to deliver that story because it is a great one. 

   About a year and a half ago, I went through this transitional period where I was between two semi-serious relationships.  In between, I decided to date a little here and there just to occupy my time because I hate being alone.  So, one of my friends set me up with this guy, I will call Luke.  She swore up and down that Luke was this great guy and was smart and funny and handsome and had a good job and was well structured.  Okay, so I'll have dinner with the guy.  What could it hurt, right?
   We went to this fancy restaurant in between both of our houses.  He was pretty handsome, and major kudos on the fact that he knew how to pull together an outfit.  A man that can dress himself without looking like a bum is a plus for me.  He was sitting there, drinking a beer on tap and patiently waiting for me.  When he saw me, he flashed a pretty decent smile. 
   The boy wore a nice cologne, and chatted me up about his family and his goals and a whole bunch of other bullshit that I thought to myself, maybe this guy is worth taking a chance.  Then he dropped the biggest piece of bullshit I had heard since I was with my pathological lying ex:

   "Yeah, so I'm a cop on [my town] Police Force."  He says.  Suddenly, my sexual and emotional interest was no longer there, and here is why.

   I live in a small town.  I know all of the cops on the police force and most of them are very dear friends of mine.  So, you can imagine through my astonishment that this guy was completely full of shit.  He told me about how he had just graduated from the academy and how he was going to one day be Detective.  Yeah, okay buddy.  I lost all interest and texted my friend telling her the code word we have for one another when we are on bad dates.  Pretty much, the other person calls and says there is an emergency and we duck out like our house is burning down.  She was unreachable, so I had to sit through this dinner and continue to listen to the crap coming out of this guy's mouth.
   Finally, I had had enough.  I called him out and you should have seen the look on the kid's face.  He tried calling my bluff, until he realized that I have many of them saved in my phone as personal contacts.  I was actually offended that he thought I was a stupid girl who would fall for that crap.  Nice try, Nash Bridges.  Nice try.

   The next day, I told the story to one of my very close cop buddies and he laughed his ass off and told me about how he had arrested him not so long ago, because he told some other girl that he was an officer.  This other girl, was the Detective at the time's FUCKING NIECE!  Big mistake, because he was formally charged with fraud and impersonating a police officer.  I'm laughing my butt off while writing this because I remember how absolutely crazy this idiot is.  I am so glad I dodged that bullet. 
    The problem is, that Luke tells the wrong girls about his fantasy career to try to bed them.  While a man in uniform is sexy, I really have to say that it has to be a REAL uniform.  None of this Halloween Store stuff.  I sometimes wonder how he has ended up.  Whether he has committed the same crime again.  Why not just tell people you went to Hogwarts and are now a wizard?  Oh and that you had sex with Hermoine.  That's just as believable. 
   Not to mention reading this guy's text messages was like trying to decipher Egyptian hieroglyphs.  I remember he sent me a text that read:
   "Y U No Call Me NEMore? U a bitch 4 dittching me."
    I am a writer for a living! Spelling is very important and if you can't even produce a predicate, let alone spell the simple words of why and you, bet your Batman loving ass I will not sleep with you.  Instant turn off.  Sorry.
    Again, I'm glad I dodged that bullet.  I'm all set with fake law enforcement.  Thanks.

xoxo ;)

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Turning Over A New Leaf

   I post the picture of my watch purely to associate the correspondence with being productive with my time.  My readers should also know, that I am extremely hung over from drinking copious amounts of wine last night.  My head hurts and I am drinking Gatorade like it's 2004 and I'm on the soccer team again.  My makeup is also smeared because I had no energy to remove my contacts, thus my eye makeup is still intact but looks like absolute shit.
   HOWEVER despite all of this, I have a positive outlook in life.  As many know from my previous posts, I was in a rut for a long time.  I'm bouncin back, Baby! Fuck being emo all this time! Because YOLO and LOL with life!  I now want to be Ms. Optimist. Here is my secret: 
   Step 1. Rid my life of those that influence negativity.  Unfortunately, it had rid me of many friends.  I think the Bible has a scripture that says, "Poor association spoils useful habits".  One of the few scriptures I live by.  I'd rather be a loner doing my own shit and getting my life on track than surrounding myself with negativity. 
     Step 2. Stop looking for love! I learned that I don't need someone else to complete me. Stop dating/sleeping with/giving a chance with knights in shining tin foil and wait for the knight in shining armor.  He's out there. I don't hate my exes.  They have taught me things about myself.  Except one.  I fucking hate him with a fire passion.  If he ever wears this, fuck you.  And you stole my Spiderman shirt.  Dick.
    Step 3: Embrace physical beauty.  Below is a picture of me in high school, when I was considered plain and 'ordinary'.  Thus, my confidence back then was shit:

  Ok, so maybe my senior portrait wasn't as bad as I thought.  But I never wore makeup, never did anything with my awful hair.  Here is a picture of me in college:

  A little better.  I kinda miss my red hair.  But now here is what I look like now.

   My hair is cute (and lighter than I have ever had it which by the way I have gotten so many compliments on!), I've mastered the wing look with liquid eyeliner.  I have discovered foundation and finishing powder as well as bronzer because I'm paler than a China Doll.  I look great! I feel great! Oh and I lost 60 lbs!
    Step 4: Workout better.  I go for two mile runs as often as I can.  Thankfully, I live on Dirt Road, Vermont.  Therefore I can run in the middle of the road like a bitch that doesn't care.  I also do a lot of cardio.  Pull ups.  Because I want to maintain the new bod I have because never in my life have I looked like this:

  Step 5: Blog more! Notice I post a lot more than I did when I was in my rut and not being productive?  Plus my work is getting comedy back.  Read my "Wal-Mart" post.  Note that I have gotten a lot of people that have thought that was some of my best work!
   Step 6: Let shit roll off! I try to not let stupid shit get to me. It's no secret that I blow shit out of proportion.  I hold grudges when people do me wrong and it takes me a long time to get over stuff.  Those that have hurt me a year ago, yeah.  I'm still not happy with you.  We may talk, but I still am not happy with your face.  I also have a temper.  Don't piss me off. 
   Step 7: Express myself more.  I express my feelings through literature.  I write them better than say them.  When conversing with another individual, I cannot say things that I feel to their face.  It really sucks because texting and writing does not show emotion.  Most of the fights I have ever gotten in in my life have been via text because I am a pussy when it comes to standing up for my feelings.  I also hold my feelings in for months.  Sometimes years.  No bueno.

   Ok, the real reason I am all optimistic and YOLO is because I almost got held up at gunpoint the other night by this CRAZY FUCKING GINGER that smoked crack cocaine out of a Red Bull can in my work bathroom! Thankfully my pretty much aunt and uncle were there to thwart it.  Plus, the town police didn't do anything like arrest the mother fucker because the evidence was "circumstantial".  I generally have respect for them because many on the force are personal friends, but now I really don't like them in the 'Serve and protect' way.  Do you guys realize this guy could have killed me?  Seriously the scariest experience of my life.  I don't feel safe in my job anymore.  I never want to experience something like that ever again.
   So, in conclusion, I want to spend my life thinking on the positive side.  Be more productive.  Be stronger.  Be wiser.  Be kinder.  That is what I want the most! Wish me luck!

;) xoxo

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Greatest Pickup Lines

  I have noted all the crazy pickup lines I have ever read/heard and I would like to share them with my readers because I needed to find laughter. I want to spread said laughter. Maybe you can use them when trying to pick someone up too. 

1. "Your body is like a speeding ticket in a construction zone... DOUBLE FINE!"

2. "Is your name Dora? Cause I'll let you explore this dick."

3. "I left a blowjob at your house. Can I stop by and get it later?"

4. "Is your name Skittles, cause I want you to taste my rainbow...dick"

5. "Are you a Flinstone? Because I wanna Bam Bam your Bedrock."

6. "You may think I’m ugly and I may think you’re hot, but opposites attract, right?"

7. "I'm an astronaut. Can my rocket ship explore your black hole?"

8. "I may not be 5 gum but I can still stimulate your senses."

9. "I might need Life Alert because I’ve fallen in love with you and can’t get up."

10. "Do you like soda? Because I’d love to mountain dew you."

11. "You have an ass like JLo. Wanna bang?"

12. "Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me horny."

13. "Do you like wine? Because fuck me."

14. "Roses are red. Violets are Blue. I just wanna have sex with you."

15. "I haven't swept the floor yet. Sorry if your knees get dirty."

16. "You are just sexy enough to make me a sandwich."

17. "I don’t need my magic carpet to take you over, sideways and under."

18. "I hope you like the Backstreet Boys because my penis is larger than life."

19. "You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar."

20. "Nice virginity. Can I have it?"

Oh, the romantics behind such lines! 

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Thoughts, News, Me. Beware: Topic ADD/Hypocritical Advice

   I accomplished something last week I have kept under wraps until I got some information on it.  So, this woman from Simon and Shuester approached me via phone and e-mail within the course of the last two weeks stating she had interest in one of my novellas.  Not really a novella.  More of a memoir. 
   Brief synopsis: I wrote a manifesto about my experience at my Alma Mater.  The people I met that impacted my life the most, good and bad.  The truest friends I have ever had.  I also wrote about them, without stating any names due to the potential that depending on how their story goes, they could sue me.  So I went by the type of footwear that they sported the most.  Thus, creating a memoir entitled, "Footwear: The People You Meet In College". 
   I am a self proclaimed, very funny woman.  My memoir mixes a lot of comedy with emotion due to the fact that I am a very emotional person.  Not only those few days a month when all I want to do is eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's and am a raging c-u-next-tuesday to innocent bystanders.  Like, this week.  Sorry.  Menstrual jokes make me giggle because my female audience can relate.
   I have spent the last few months crying over stupid shit in my life.  Not finding romantic happiness.  Working at a job I hate with no respect.  Not feeling worthy of the world at all.  I front that I am confident and that I am comfy in my own skin, but it is in fact bullshit.  There is one thing I am confident in though, and that's that I can make people laugh in my writing.  I may go through spurts where I piss and moan about how I am afraid that I will fall on my ass and fail, but a very special friend of mine told me when I shared this news with him, that "failure is part of life.  Taking a chance is part of life.  Don't regret the past when you reach future events".  I rolled my eyes at him and he told me he would smack me if I didn't call this woman back.  If I didn't take the chance. 
   Many others have been on my case about bucking up and getting over my fear.  I have to also give them credit, despite the fact that violence wasn't exactly and option or consequence. 
   I like writing about my life experiences.  I have made many mistakes in my life.  Burned some bridges.  Slept with some friends. Had a pill addiction for a brief period of time. Dropped out of college.  Although the last one is irrelevant only because I ended up going back and graduating with honors.  Back to the point, I have made a few mistakes.  Lived a bit.  I am an imperfect human.  Sometimes, I hate people.  Sometimes for a good reason.  Other times not.  I want to be able to help people.  Help keep them from making the same selfish, self destructive decisions I have made.
    Remember the definition of insanity:  Don't repeat the same mistakes over and over expecting different results.  You do in fact go mad.  Batshit bananas crazy sometimes.  Shit happens.
   I made the mistake of backing out of a wonderful job opportunity that would get me the fuck out of this small Vermont town that I am seeing fall in the shitter.  I should have taken that shot.  But I have complete faith that one will turn around in no time.  I have to be optimistic.  Someone has to be, and it can only be myself.
   Life is all about priorities.  I am slowly learning that you only have yourself in life.  Make yourself do greater things with that power and endurance.  "Anything is possible if you just believe".  I've lost all faith in humanity.  I see good people falling into drug habits.  Committing crimes.  Being destructive and promiscuous.  There is in fact more to life than getting notches under your belt, getting high and commiting larceny.  Work on you before saving others  Some are worth saving.  Others you have to just let go of and hope for the best.  I've done this many of times.  I've also had bouts of success in helping people.  At the end of the day people are going to make their own choices. I made my choice.  I chose to let bygones be bygones and take a chance in life.  A perhaps seemingly selfish chance in life.  Like I said, worry about yourself before worrying about others.  As long as you are committing no actual harm to others, I encourage selfish decisions.  It's fucked, but it is my philosophy. 
   Rid yourself of the things that make you unhappy.  Start over somewhere new if you have the means.  I don't have the means right now for that, but when I do, Vermont is getting a giant "fuck you" and I am peacing out cubschout.  I love my family.  My friends.  But there is more to life than what is offered here. 
   Bottom line: I will do great.  I will do it alone if I have to.  But I am taking the chance. If I fail, I try again.  :)

;) xoxox

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