The Long Road to Better Teeth (And a Hidden Minecraft Reference Just Because)

   I was cursed with bad teeth.  Those who know me, understand what I mean.  I have only smiled with my mouth open for a picture probably only a handful of times in my adult life.  I was lucky as a child, as my "baby teeth" came in PERFECT.  See?

   I was a cute kid, right? But once I lost my baby teeth, my teeth grew in all sorts of fucking crooked.  I might as well be British because they are just that bad.  I have all sorts of problems.  My enamel was thin, and now my top fronts are completely screwed to the point where they are going to rip them out of my skull.  Thankfully, I will get a new set of teeth immediately that will give me a BITCHIN' smile.
    One of my friends told me the other day, while I was completely down in the dumps because I am terrified of having all of this work done, something that I will probably always remember because it gave me a little boost of confidence.  He said, "When you get your new smile, you'll be too hot to hang out with us anymore."
    Note: That won't happen, but thanks for the compliment.

    I am in a LOT of pain because of my dental issues.  I can't eat chocolate without my mouth feeling like it is getting drilled.  I have horrible sensitivity to cold and hot liquid that made this winter suck absolute ass!  So, when I went the other day to have the first round of scaling done (which is where they go through and numb you all up and dig down into your root), I got this fluoride stuff:

    I took that picture mid mixing.  As you can see, it is this weird clear liquid that has the same texture of syrup.  You put it into the shot glass at the bottom line, then fill the rest of the shot glass with water.  As you can see, the shot glass comes with a lid that you screw on and then you shake the ever living shit out of it for 20 seconds and eventually it turns into that cloudy crap that you see now.
    I thought that this stuff would taste like mint.  It smelled like mint and usually with Fluoride rinses you have either your choice of mint or bubblegum when it comes to flavor.  Like I said, it SMELLED like mint but in all actuality it tasted like ass.  It was just a very bitter and I felt that maybe I was rinsing my mouth with anti-freeze.  Not a good experience. 
   I have to wash my mouth out with this grossness twice a day for thirty days.  On the flipside however, my teeth will not be so sensitive to hot and cold stuff anymore.  Which means I can enjoy a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup again.
   So, this scaling thing: It was excruciating! They numb you up FULL of Novocaine and the needles from those alone have always given me anxiety.  They only do one side of your mouth at a time, too! Once I was all numbed up, the dentist took one of these awesome things:

   and picked the ever-living-fuck out of my gums to the point where I felt like my mouth was doing this:

    Was NOT a fun experience, okay?  I am not looking forward to going in for the next appointment. 
    Also, along with leaving with the ridiculously disgusting fluoride rinse, I ended up getting this INSANE electric tooth brush that has these crazy interchangeable heads strictly from ASPEN DENTAL.  It even has a head for flossing AND brushing at the same time!

   The bristles flare out kind of like a blossoming flower as opposed to just rotating back and forth which is supposed to be better on your teeth.  The thing is crazy expensive I am sure, but it is totally worth it.  It has three different settings and it gets into the hard to reach places.  If I had had one of these 15 years ago, I probably wouldn't be all kinds of fucked up.  Yeah...
    Then, they put antibiotics into my gums to try and kill all the infection where they did the scaling.  I don't even understand how they inserted these little pods of antibiotics into my gums but they did.  Now, as a woman, the first initial thought is 'antibiotics don't mix with oral contraceptives' (which I found RIDICULOUSLY ironic in this case). They are these little pods of some substance that they use a tiny little plunger to put it into your gums.  Over the course of 30 days they are supposed to rid my mouth of inflammation. The concept itself is weird to me, but as long as it's effective, I will be happy.

   So, because I am slowly going through this VERY expensive and very gruesome experience I figured that I would share some advice.  Take care of your teeth! Brush, floss, go to the dentist regularly because this kind of shit is NOT fun!  Granted, in the long run it will pay off because I will have a killer smile that I have always wanted but ballpark, all the work that I have to have done costs about the price of a used 2006 Nissan Altima.  I'm talking about $8,000.  Hell, just to scale one half of my face it was about $650 and I am pretty goddamned sure that $550 of that went to the crap mouthwash and fancy shmancy awesome toothbrush...

   As I continue on through this procedure I will blog about it.  Hopefully by July I will be all said and done with it.  If I'm really lucky, June.  Wish me luck!

  xoxo ;)

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Bra-strology and What Your Bra Says About You (For Men, Just Enjoy the Pictures)

     Real quick! What is squishy and has a twin and gets you free drinks at the bar when enough of their genetic makeup is showing? 

     That's right! Tits.  

    So, for this week's column, I have been working on this article for two weeks or so now because I figured I needed it to be perfected before I release it to the public.  For my fellow vagina friends who read The Twisted Tornado, you will find this probably pretty insightful.  To all my guy friends who read the blog, you pretty much just get another rambling story from me and a lot of REALLY NICE BOOBIE PICTURES!

    It's a win/win for everybody!

   My initial thought for how this came to be was the fact that all of my bras fall apart.  Wires and shit go missing, lace rips and it just turns out to be a hot mess.  I have realized that depending on what bra I wear, kinda tells what mood I'm in and how my day will go.  Hence, I came up with Bra-strology.  Pretty catchy name right?

SPORTS BRAS:

 What your bra choice says about you:  You like to keep your shit on lockdown.  Much like the reason some men wear tighty-whiteys as opposed to boxers.  They like their shit close to their body.  That's what you get with this specific bra choice.  You're sweater melons aren't going anywhere, Honey.  Those things are held down to your chest, tighter than a background check to become airport security!  It also says that you are not planning on getting laid in any way shape or form.  Unless you are a gym slut.

You're Bra Horoscope: You won't get laid.  Again, if you are a chick who goes to the gym and pics up guys because you are a predatory sexual athlete, then YOU may get laid.  But otherwise, you are just going to run around a lot and maybe kick some balls at some goals.  Not exciting...

LACE BRA:

What your bra choice says about you: Look at the picture above.  See that blond bitch that most girls look at and think to themselves, "Curse her beauty!" Well, deal with it because Victoria's Secret Barbie up above shines confidence.  Why? Look at what she is wearing.  Black and lace.  Black and lace means one thing and in the lingerie world that means dirty, filthy, kinky, 50 Shades of Grey sex.  If you step out of your house wearing a lace bra, you clearly are feeling pretty damn confident that day.  You know that your chest trolls are perky and where they are supposed to be and you feel like Britney fucking Spears.  Yep.

Your Bra Horoscope: Okay, so I think it goes without saying that there is a good possibility that someone will be removing your lace bra that is not you.  Maybe they will remove it with their teeth.  Who knows? But no matter what happens, you will have a good day because someone will definitely have a smile on their face when you take your top off.  

THE NERDY BRA

What your bra says about you: You are fucking awesome and have a really good personality because your lingerie has cultural refrences.  
Your Bra Horoscope: If the person you are letting take off this said undergarments doesn't reconize the characters on your bra, time to ditch him.  

THE BRA THAT SHOOTS STUFF LIKE FIRE AND COOL WHIP

What your bra says about you: You take risks and aren't afraid to have your hair catch on fire or attract a morbidly obese sexual predator who enjoys nipples that shoot out delicious sugary substances.  Amen, Sister! Now, notice that Katy Perry is the face of this sub-section.  That chick's tits are always shooting stuff out of them! Whipped cream, fireworks, Cheese in a can! If you actually are so crazy enough to buy a bra that projectiles some sort of substance, then you are some special woman!

Your Bra Horoscope: To avoid possible lawsuits due to malfunctioning cups, make sure people standing in front of your breasts are wearing proper eye protection.

THE BANDEAU

What your bra says about you: You must have mosquito bites for boobs because chicks like me who have DD's cannot wear the headband bra.  I call it the "headband bra" because it seriously looks like this chick went and stretched out a headband and put it over her tits.  It's a nipple slip waiting to happen. 
Your Bra Horoscope: Be prepared to constantly have to life that headband bra up and readjust it all day.




   So, that was part 1.  Part 2 will come along soon and will honestly probably be a vlog.  I think I've caused enough uncomfortably for one day.  

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Something I Need to Address

I feel there is nothing wrong with addressing the fact that I graduated with honors and two degrees. Perhaps I shouldn't gloat about it, but I only do it when people try to discourage me. I accomplished something that for years people said I wouldn't do. I appreciate, the older I get, the lack of faith because it helped push me further. I may only be working in a gas station, but I'm not 25 with a drug addiction, 6 kids by 6 different partners and divorced three times which I feel is awesome.
I was made to help people and write. I have a heavy heart and a good conscience. I don't want to waste any more time at a job I hate. I have passion for the only art I know. I cannot draw for shit. I can paint. But I can write which is why I started this in the first place! So why am I wasting away?
Come Monday, I am taking a new approach. I'm putting myself out there. I already set up an interview so here is hoping I get it. Wish me some luck because I need it. Thank you for reading this venting session!

;) xoxo

P.S. I need some form of comedy, so here is a meme I found floating around.

Dear Americans on Welfare Who Are On It "Just Because" You Are

If you collect welfare because you are a single parent and cannot manage to find work because of your children being a handful, this article is not for you and you have my condolences. Hopefully things will turn around for you. If you are sitting on your ass collecting welfare, because you are lazy, then this is for you. Be honest with yourselves in making that decision as to whether or not it pertains to you. After all, this is only a blog on the Internet.
I don't understand the latter group of people. I don't understand how one can sit around all day and do absolute nothing with their life besides eat, drink and just lounge in jammies not doing ANYTHING productive. I'd go fucking nuts! They get money in from the tax payers, and they don't do ANYTHING! I work 45-50 hours a week to pay my way, and a lot of my paycheck goes to taxes, which goes to these money grubbing leeches.
Who, as a child, says, "When I grow up, I want to live on welfare!"? No child. No smart child, anyway. You don't really amount to anything in life. You aren't changing the world. You aren't making a positive dent in society. Society has you figured out. Society calls you "lazy" and "useless" and "deadbeats" behind your back because they are furious that they are working class heroes paying your way.
I understand that food stamps are a different story. Truth be told, if I qualified for them, I would use them because even making what I make in my job (key note: I have a job), I have a hard time with food expenses. I am a college graduate paying off $45, 000 in student loans and a $450 a month car payment. Know what that leaves me in weekly spending cash generally? $50 after I fill up my gas tank, because I have a 30 minute commute to work. I wouldn't be sitting on my ass collecting.
Another thing with food stamps/EBT: Stop buying goddamned ENERGY DRINKS and candy with your EBT cards. I do not bust my ass to the point of exhaustion every week so that you can buy fucking Red Bull and Sour Neon Crawlers with food stamps. I guess I should say "You're fucking welcome." Buy milk, eggs, vegetables, fruit, ACTUAL FOOD with it. I wish I had a dollar for every person I interact with that does this.
As far as EBT Cash goes, STOP USING EBT CASH TO BUY BEER, CIGARETTES and LIGHTERS. Oddly enough, I do condone using it for gas because gas is a necessity. You need it to get places. If you fit the demographic of people who this is attacking, you need it to drive to Walmart on the first and fifteenth of the month to collect your belongings.
I had the ogre of a man, who smelled like ballsack and geek stink breath, come into my convenience store not so long ago. He had to have been 7 feet tall, with a very ogre build and crazy eyes. He was antagonistic when I informed him he could not purchase scratch tickets with his "welfare card". His words. I was flabbergasted when he even asked me if it were possible. And for him to turn into white gangsta Shrek when I said "No." Just further proved how dumb he really was and how pathetic those who live their lives like that are.
And those bitches who get pregnant on purpose so they can get more money from the state. This girl I went to kindergarten with does that. She keeps punching out babies so that she will keep getting extra assistance. First of all, keep your legs shut. The fact that God or science or whatever allowed YOU to procreate is bad enough. Second of all, any guy what is willing to deposit their tadpoles into a slam pig and the. Be surprised that she rapes them in child support, shouldn't be having sex. Third of all, we all know the chicks that do this in America. Admit it. You know one. Hell, it may even be your sister. In which case, I am sorry.
Yup, I could write a 20 page report on all the other crap pertaining to these people that piss me off but I am sure I have offended enough people today. So, yeah...

;) xoxo

Why I Cannot Write Erotic Novels, But I Take A Stab At It Anyway...

 I'm kind of slacking this week on a column. Most of it is blatant business with work and real life shit. But I decided that I would just write a quick entry and it would be me taking a stab at Erotic Fiction.
Look at 50 Shades of Grey. That book taught me two things: 1) I do have a kinky side and do enjoy being spanked. Preferably by rich men only. And 2) going into specific detail about performing fellacio in a claw foot bathtub will put you on the New York Times best sellers list. My only complaint with that book was its redundancy. I don't need to know every feeling your "inner goddess" is having, Ms. Anastasia Steele.
I'm not good at writing sex scenes into my novels. I have tried, as I have written numerous love stories and when I get to the point where the two protagonists are at that "lovemaking stage", I get writers block. I read the Red Hot Reads in Cosmo and they throw around the terms "climax" and "pulsating member" like it's everyday usage. I'm sorry, but never once, have I complimented a partner using the words "pulsating member". I mean, what kind of guy is gonna be chill with a chick saying to them, "Hey, Steve. So that's a dapper pulsating member you have going on right now. I'm ready to climax."
...No.
I cannot take sex seriously if that was the kind of talk used during coitus. I'm all about dirty talk. But there's dirty talk that is sexy and then there is the kind of coital talk that just kills it. I give 50 Shades of Grey props for getting it right. I read the term, "Oh baby." Many many times and was actually moved by it because it didn't make me want to vomit. Until I thought about how many women got pregnant/STD's/vaginal tearing because of that book.
Erotic fiction is so over the top too with its detail. I'm not even talking about switching words out for illusions (Ex: a woman's white thighs becomes "her creamy thighs were smooth like satin sheets). I'm talking about the foreplay descriptions! My absolute favorite was a short story that I read in some magazine (probably Cosmo) and it was an excerpt. The beginning of the story went somewhat as follows (forgive me but I am paraphrasing here):
"He removed her lace baby doll and threw it across the room as if it were a shred of trash. He knew he had torn the fabric. But he desired her body, her soul, her essence so severely that he needed her naked. Right then. Right there."
Foreplay does NOT start off like that. I understand that they are using dramatics to emphasize the level of intimacy but that's not how sex works. People are clumsy in the moment. You're trying to tear your partner's clothes off and their head gets stuck or they trip because you tug on their pant leg too hard. It's never this perfect and magical moment. Which personally, is fine with me because I not only welcome imperfections but I have also accidentally elbowed a partner in the face trying to pull the smooth moves I read about in erotic novels. Sorry again, ex boyfriend who I don't care for anymore but I still do feel like an asshole for that. Kind of...
That is where my writing comes in. For two years I have been writing this novel and there is only one pivotal sex scene in it. It brings the story to a shattering climax (pun not intended...ok maybe a little). I cannot use imagery very well because I make it awkward. I try to follow suit and use euphemisms for genitalia but they come out sounding absolutely ridiculous. Such as, and this is an actual example:
"Scott forced himself in between Brooke's open legs. She reached her hand down and felt his hard erection."

See? Straight to the point. And I have to be 100% honest with my readers, writing that above excerpt felt AWKWARD AS FUCK!! Sex is a very difficult thing to write about. Not sure why. I mean, I have experienced it. I get what it is all about. I know what I'm talking about with it. I think that it's because perhaps different people have different views about it. Some use sex to just procreate and find no pleasure out of it whatsoever. Others are promiscuous and will stick their junk anywhere. And we live in a society where you are either a prude or a slut and I think that has a lot to do with my fear of being that vulnerable of a writer. It can offend anyone.
When 50 Shades of Grey first debuted, some library in Florida made headlines for banning it. I'm just chilling up in Vermont reading it, secretly learning a incognito way of pulling off sex while on my menses. It offended so many people with its taboo and kink factor because there really isn't a lot out there talking about BDSM. I'm afraid of making the big time and offending these people. I mean, E.L James got death threats over this shit.
I guess the furthest my erotic fiction is going to go is to write a short story about premature eye-ulation. It will go something as follows:
"She took off her lacy, black panties. The end."

Yup. Sounds good to me!

;) xoxo

How I Lost 54lbs/Pescetarianism!!!

   So it is beginning to transition into that AWFUL season as a woman where it's bikini time.  Spring Breaks are breaking out all over the place and you're still working hard to work off all the Holiday cupcake pudge you got from your Great Aunt Edna's Peanut Butter Orgasmic Clusterbomb Cookies.

They were good though!

   About a year ago I ended up losing a pretty significant amount of weight because I ended up getting really, really sick.  Gross story: I was having a hard time digesting my food, therefore I had to go through all these tests for Crohn's Disease and Colon Cancer, etc.  Turns out it was my diet.  I was living off of McDonald's and other shit food that will give you a heart attack as well as awful bowel issues.

    So, after getting my ass reamed out by my nutritionist, I was put onto a more fibrous diet to try and get my body flowing a lot better.  I had to cut out cheese for like three months and it was a nightmare, but honestly the diet and excercise that I put myself on helped me lose 54lbs.  I cut out cheese, milk chocolate, and all meats except for seafood.  It is called a Pescetarian diet and I am here to endorse it because it did my body wonders.  I had more energy and I just felt so much better than when I was eating "regular" food.  

    So I started out looking like this.  200 lbs, and not enjoying any moment of it whatsoever.

    Very unflattering and it just was not my finest moment.  But after starting on the Pescetarian diet, this is what I look like now:

  Size 7/8 and 50+ lighter :)
     Okay, the first thing you need to do if you are going to go on this Pescetarian diet is to know the basics of it. 

    Pescetarianism is a diet in which you eat vegtables, grains, fruits and seafood.  You DO NOT eat any other animals.  No beef, no chicken, no pork.  The only thing with eyes/feelings that you eat is seafood.  That is how you get your protein.  Note: I also used some sesame seeds to get my protein.  

    Red meat is bad for you.  Farm animals are jacked up with so many disgusting growth hormones now, that the meat your eating is causing crazy side effects for humans.  Increased heart issues, it's causing girls to start menstruating sooner, not to mention all the fats that just float around through your intestines..  It freaks me out.  Sorry.  However, it tastes fucking amazing which is why it sucks so bad to give it up.  

    

   I have one cheat day and that is Thursday nights because my friends and I get together for dinner and they are all guys and I can appreciate the fact that they want their steak.  One cheat night a week isn't that bad as long as it is in moderation.  Generally, on my cheat night, I cut my serving size in half and they always pick on me because my portions will be really small.  There is productive cheating and then there is bad cheating.  Bad cheating is when you order 90 buffalo wings with extra Blue Cheese dressing and eat them all in one sitting...moderation people.

   The one "animal product" that I didn't cut out completely is eggs and that's because I love eggs.  They are an excellent source of protein and they are good for you depending on how you eat them.  I couldn't give up my aborted chicken fetuses.

   I also cut a lot of dairy out of my diet.  Like I said above, I cut cheese completely out while I was trying to get my body back into the swing of things.  Cheese does awful shit to your body and most of that is because cheese products that you find at the grocery store, aren't even really "cheese".  Most of the time it is a 'processed cheese product'.  That means, based on my heavy research, that it is a bunch of chemicals mixed with enzymes and whey to create what is sold in the packaging.  Real cheese takes A LONG time to age and get the flavor.  This is just a bunch of chemicals which is why eating it in heavy moderation causes your insides to say, "Fuck you, Guy/Girl." 

  
   I became a huge fan of Almond Milk.  For anyone who has never had almond milk, it is honestly the best thing in the world and I would drink it by the gallon if I could.  Like with other farm animals, milk carries a lot of those growth hormones that are shot into the livestock.  Plus, almond milk has a better flavor.  The chocolate kind is orgasmic!

    Next order of business was cutting out ice cream and swapping it out for FroYo.  Frozen Yogurt is so delicious and it is so much better for you and now they make it in every fucking flavor imaginable.  You want chocolate peanut butter cup? BAM! It's there.  I also became a huge fan of Chobani Greek Yogurt.  They have almost every flavor imaginable and they are all delicious.  Plus there is real fruit in the bottom and it's like a hidden treasure to get to! That's my inner fat kid talking...

   Now the hard part:  Preparing the seafood that you will be eating.  I really became a fan of salmon during this whole ordeal.  My main diet and nightly entrees consisted of either salmon, tilapia, haddock, and flounder.  I learned how to make this mean Wasabi/Ginger salmon which I will eventually post the recipe for but it is pretty much you bake salmon with this (which I got at The Gourmet Chef) coated on the top for 20 mins at 325 degrees.

 

It is a paste that has a kick to it, so if you

like spicy foods, chances are you will love it.

    Other than that, with all the fish I just messed around with different seasonings.  As far as sides would go, I would steam some cauliflower, peas and other vegetables and season them with a little salt and pepper.  I'd also toss in a dinner roll just to keep it on an even slate.  

    

   Here is just a sample of what my daily meal intake was if that gives a better idea.

   Breakfast: 

   A banana, 1 Chobani yogurt/or Oatmeal, Coffee with light cream

  Midmorning snack:

   Fruit.  

   Lunch:

    Tuna salad on wheat with sprouts, lettuce, tomato.  Light Mayo.  Veggie sticks as a side and juice.  Would splurge and get sushi if I had the extra cabbage that week.

   Mid afternoon snack:

    Crackers.

   Dinner:  Seafood entree.  Mixed vegetables, bread.  Sometimes soup.  

   Honestly, I never felt more healthier than I did while embracing that diet.  I've slipped off the wagon as of recently because I'm starting to eat McDonald's and Taco Bell again.  But I was more awake, I had crazy energy.  It really helped me out a lot.  I hope that those reading this may get a little inspired to try something new.  It's not for everybody, but a lot of people have asked me how I dropped all the weight and instead of reiterating myself time and time again to answer the same question, I wrote this article.  Best of luck to anyone who is willing to give it a shot.  You will definitely notice a change in yourself after you ween yourself off of the farm animals though...

   ;) xoxo   

Things Women Think About While Getting Dressed

A few nights ago I went to a concert for the first time in a very long time at an actual venue. Unable to find something to wear that would not only make me look and feel hot, as well as blend in with the demographic of fellow fans, I relied on my friend Kristina to help make me glamorous. However, after she lent me about four different combinations of clothes, I had a very hard time deciding what I wanted to wear. One ensemble made me feel as though I was in the 80's (although I pulled it off well). Another outfit didn't accentuate my assets so well. And then I found gold in the awesome outfit I had decided upon. Ripped black skinny jeans, biker boots, and a tube top with an empire waist that was zebra print. It was fantastic.
However, I spent hours trying to make this outfit work for my body type. For those who do not know me, I used to push about 200 lbs but recently over the last eight months have dropped back down to 152. I'm also a 38 DD cup and have cupcake pudge (my term for muffin top love handles). I also have a pretty firm ass, so it's hard for me to find an outfit that accentuates everything that draws attention. That's why I was ecstatic when I found this outfit.
Because of the fact that a lot of clothing makes me feel inferior, I realize most of it is because I have lady parts. Therefore, I over analyze my wardrobe subconsciously because I have the insecurities. So I decided I would give a humorous account of all the things that ran through my mind as I went through this one night transformation. Mostly, my fellow vagina friends will be able to relate the most because I know you think this way too. Just maybe not as twisted as me but I am after all the Twisted Tornado.
So without further ado, here is my thought process:

1) "Holy fuck, when did I get stretch marks when I've been losing weight? Oh right...from when I was expanded."
2) "Great Jesus, these pants make my crotchal area feel violated."
3) "A man had to have invented the mini skirt because things are hanging out that would get me arrested."
4) "Why don't bras come with expandable cup sizes since neither boob is the same size?"
5) "My ass looks like two watermelons duct taped together in these pants."
6) "Does this outfit make me look like a whore? Not a fun, classy whore but a trashy whore? The kind you see on Sunset Blvd with coke coming out of their nose?"
7) "Does this outfit make me look like a soccer mom who tries to be the 'cool stylish parent'?"
8) "This foundation makes me look like I'm trying to look tan like George Hamilton."
9) "I shouldn't have power slammed 85 Reese's pieces and four Red Bulls over the course of the last week."
10) "I wish I could wear pumps and not look like an Amazonian and crazed WNBA player. Why do they call them pumps anyway? They should call them 'giant making shoes' because that's what they are."
11) "This skirt would get me pregnant."
12) "This skirt would get me arrested."
13) "This skirt makes me look like a Jehovah's Witness.."
14) "I wanna coin the term 'Boobylicious' since Beyonce coined 'Bootylicious'"
15) "Why is there a green stain on this dress? I don't remember engaging in coitus with the Incredible Hulk.."
16) "My hair makes me look like a lion."
17) "Chicks with big knockers can't rock tube tops. Fuck it, I'll wear it anyway!"
18) "Why can't I master the perfect liquid line?"
19) "Fuck you, post period pimple. Speaking of which, Fuck you, period. Better stay away for another week."
20) "I got to lay off the Cheetos or come lesbian vampire time I am going to be a blimp."
21) "This hangover is making me feel like a bag of smashed assholes."
22) "Ow! I can't believe I just burned myself with a straight iron
23) "Meh, so I look like a punk tramp. You say super skank? I say fierce bitch!"

So there you have it. By the end of this multi-hour ordeal, I looked as the pictures show. Not to shabby I'd say. Just made my brain hurt trying to figure it all out. Hopefully this brought a laugh to my vagina friends.

;) xoxo