Things Women Think About While Getting Dressed

A few nights ago I went to a concert for the first time in a very long time at an actual venue. Unable to find something to wear that would not only make me look and feel hot, as well as blend in with the demographic of fellow fans, I relied on my friend Kristina to help make me glamorous. However, after she lent me about four different combinations of clothes, I had a very hard time deciding what I wanted to wear. One ensemble made me feel as though I was in the 80's (although I pulled it off well). Another outfit didn't accentuate my assets so well. And then I found gold in the awesome outfit I had decided upon. Ripped black skinny jeans, biker boots, and a tube top with an empire waist that was zebra print. It was fantastic.
However, I spent hours trying to make this outfit work for my body type. For those who do not know me, I used to push about 200 lbs but recently over the last eight months have dropped back down to 152. I'm also a 38 DD cup and have cupcake pudge (my term for muffin top love handles). I also have a pretty firm ass, so it's hard for me to find an outfit that accentuates everything that draws attention. That's why I was ecstatic when I found this outfit.
Because of the fact that a lot of clothing makes me feel inferior, I realize most of it is because I have lady parts. Therefore, I over analyze my wardrobe subconsciously because I have the insecurities. So I decided I would give a humorous account of all the things that ran through my mind as I went through this one night transformation. Mostly, my fellow vagina friends will be able to relate the most because I know you think this way too. Just maybe not as twisted as me but I am after all the Twisted Tornado.
So without further ado, here is my thought process:

1) "Holy fuck, when did I get stretch marks when I've been losing weight? Oh right...from when I was expanded."
2) "Great Jesus, these pants make my crotchal area feel violated."
3) "A man had to have invented the mini skirt because things are hanging out that would get me arrested."
4) "Why don't bras come with expandable cup sizes since neither boob is the same size?"
5) "My ass looks like two watermelons duct taped together in these pants."
6) "Does this outfit make me look like a whore? Not a fun, classy whore but a trashy whore? The kind you see on Sunset Blvd with coke coming out of their nose?"
7) "Does this outfit make me look like a soccer mom who tries to be the 'cool stylish parent'?"
8) "This foundation makes me look like I'm trying to look tan like George Hamilton."
9) "I shouldn't have power slammed 85 Reese's pieces and four Red Bulls over the course of the last week."
10) "I wish I could wear pumps and not look like an Amazonian and crazed WNBA player. Why do they call them pumps anyway? They should call them 'giant making shoes' because that's what they are."
11) "This skirt would get me pregnant."
12) "This skirt would get me arrested."
13) "This skirt makes me look like a Jehovah's Witness.."
14) "I wanna coin the term 'Boobylicious' since Beyonce coined 'Bootylicious'"
15) "Why is there a green stain on this dress? I don't remember engaging in coitus with the Incredible Hulk.."
16) "My hair makes me look like a lion."
17) "Chicks with big knockers can't rock tube tops. Fuck it, I'll wear it anyway!"
18) "Why can't I master the perfect liquid line?"
19) "Fuck you, post period pimple. Speaking of which, Fuck you, period. Better stay away for another week."
20) "I got to lay off the Cheetos or come lesbian vampire time I am going to be a blimp."
21) "This hangover is making me feel like a bag of smashed assholes."
22) "Ow! I can't believe I just burned myself with a straight iron
23) "Meh, so I look like a punk tramp. You say super skank? I say fierce bitch!"

So there you have it. By the end of this multi-hour ordeal, I looked as the pictures show. Not to shabby I'd say. Just made my brain hurt trying to figure it all out. Hopefully this brought a laugh to my vagina friends.

;) xoxo