Just like "On The Battlefield This Past Week...", I have included a music track. Listen to it. Absorb it. Remember how you heard it every day on the radio for about a year and a half until the band disappeared where all one hit wonders go...
Musical Purgatory.
That's right. It's fucking Chumbawamba. Now it is stuck in your head. Consider it a personal gift from me for being my faithful readers. You're welcome.
P.S. This article is long because there is A LOT of detail in it. You're welcome for that too.
I was born in 1988, so therefore I do not remember a greater part of the 1990's but I did however watch the nostalgia VH1 specials, I Love the 90's so I do kind of understand 1990 to 1994ish which is right about when I start to have memories. But even still, popular culture that stems from these years has taught me a lot. Here is where I break it down for you.
1. Television was a HELL of a lot better. I mean, Boy Meets World, Baywatch, 9021-fucking-0, man! That is the good stuff. The crack that was once cable television has slowly been going down the shitter. I mean, just take two seconds and switch over to MTV right now. Go ahead, do it. I'll wait...
Do you see what I fucking mean? MTV used to have music videos. I mean, it is where in the early 90's you could find this:
It's nothing spectacular of course but it's Sinead O' Connor. Remember when she tore up the picture of the Pope on LIVE TELEVISION?!? That was TV glory right there, and not just because I have a personal bias against the Pope.
I recently have been getting back into 90's shows since now I am in my mid- 20's and can actually understand what is happening. In the 90's I was still too young for sex, drugs, rock n' roll and alcohol let alone understand why Tori Spelling and Brian Austin Green were the 90's "power couple".
I can openly admit that I am 100% in love with Ally McBeal. I think Calista Flockhart is completely ridiculous but in that sexy lawyer kind of way. And when Billy dies (spoiler)...awww. Television gold!
There was also my other favorite, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She kicked ass, and now vampires are sparkly and super duper flamboyant. My extremely homosexual friend Brent likes to dress up like one of the Twilight characters because he was told at a gay bar not too long ago that he looks like the vampire from Twilight. Now he wears the emo clothes and spikes his hair like R-Patz. But in the 90's, vampires looked like this:
Make all the '90's Justin Timberlake hairstyle jokes you want but Spike was a hot vampire. I could list all the things I would prefer to do to him over Edward Cullen, but it would turn my blog into 50 Shades of Not Doing Gay Vampires.
2) Music was different. Not necessarily better by any means, but it was different. There was a different feel to music back in the 90's. 90's songs were more about love and passion and definitely more ballads. Now it seems that there is a lot of music about partying, sex and other shit that is far from PG rated. But, back then we had that kind of shit too, like Rico Suave.
Yucky tight pants.
Here is a dude, that is South American talking openly about his "addiction to the female species" and how he "eats them raw like sushi."
Pretty sure that's a vagina reference...but it's the 90's so I'm not sure.
Now you have people like Ke$ha and Taylor Swift who are mostly whiny and drink a shit ton of alcohol and don't remember the next day. I'm not really hating on either because God knows that there has been days where I have woken up feeling like P. Diddy and every time I go through a breakup I eat chocolate and listen to Taylor Swift...because she understands.
Even looking into rock music. We had Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Metallica (the Enter Sandman era), the Proclaimers. Some household names from the 90's have forever created a seal in the music industry. Cough cough Cobain cough cough.
The 90's got rid of glam metal but we got Grunge out of the deal. Grunge was fucking awesome and I really wish I wasn't six years old when it was in its peak because I would totally be wearing my flannel and listening to my Pearl Jam with unkempt hair. It was different, it had a great style to it and it waved an entire generation of people. It fizzled out quickly though after Cobain died. In innovator took down the genre when he died.
Then you have Boy Bands. Boy Bands began mostly with New Kids on the Block and ended in the 90's with *NSYNCBACKSTREETBOYS98DEGREES. Yes, it was all one word back then.
I remember on TRL (a show on MTV that is now dead because the new millennium sucks balls), they played The Backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way" for like 3 weeks everyday. Ladies, you remember the video:
Favorite? AJ...
Then you had the Bubblegum Princesses. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson. Unless you have been living under a rock for the last 16 years, then you know that all four of these women started out as jail bait super hot babes that looked like this:
Pretty ladies, right? Now, 16 years later the only two who came out looking like no plastic surgery has hit either one of them just so happens to be Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson is just always pregnant. I mean, she made headlines for being a virgin when her career started, now every time she has a baby she is pregnant again. Speaking of pregnancy...
3) Pregnancy was NOT as much of a trend. Sure you had your a-typical "baby movies" where they are sending you down the story of a couple who has a baby. Or depending on what era of the 90's you are looking at, MEN having babies. Exhibit A:
\ The movie Junior aggravates me, just because it is the biggest tease in the trailer. You think that this dude is going to push a baby out of his body the same way that a woman has to. Women think, "Yes, men will finally get to kinda see our pain if it were their point of view." Then we actually think about it for a second and the idea of a fully developed infant being shoved out of the head of a man's genitalia is a very disturbing image. You just pictured it. Don't lie.
4) If You Wannabe My Lover, You Have to Get With My Friends....
Apparently, we have the Spice Girls to thank for our significant others creepin' around with our friends. This one is really short. I loved the Spice Girls. I have the dolls in my "Dorktopia" collection. (There will be an article about my Dorktopia collection soon) Anyway, I learned that in real life, this lyric will get you in a lot of trouble because should my lover hook up with any of my friends, we are not going to be lovers anymore! He will be without a penis. Lorena Bobbit style. Which brings me to...
5) Crazy bitches castrate douchebags, then the douchebag gets a pornography career. I wrote when I used to do "Umm, About That..." about how Lorena Bobbit hacked her husband at the time's pecker off while he was asleep. She chopped it off and then drove away and then threw her husband's wang out her car window into a field. Long story short they sewed it back on and dude got to be in a few porn films.
6) Hookers can have happy endings too. You know the movie I'm talking about.
My favorite movie of all time and here is the best scene ever created in movie history. Excuse me, while I go grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a box of tissues because it gets me every time.
Maybe if I become a hooker, some rich guy will climb my fire escape and whisk me off to the Beverly Hills Hotel for some awesome circle bed sex. Yeah, let's not forget about that scene, shall we?
7) Lawyers Are Not Always Stupid and Can Very Well Help You Get Away With Murder
I remember exactly where I was when OJ Simpson got acquitted in the trial of the murder of his wife and her friend. I was at home and it was all that was on TV. All the evidence points to him actually doing it. In fact, I just watched a documentary on how he got away with it proving that blood would make leather gloves shrink thus the reasoning behind the iconic picture up above. Does that really look like the face of someone who is innocent. I know that I will piss off a lot of people by saying that I definitely believe that he did it, but come the fuck on people. He had motive. He had brains. And he had a great defense team for when his brain didn't work well.
I once knew someone who had a friend that partook in Nicole Brown Simpson's autopsy and they went into the graphic detail of what it was like. Let's just say "Human Sprinkler" was a term thrown around loosely. This was definitely an act of rage and the fact that OJ drove in a car chase with a gun to his head doesn't convince me otherwise.
So that is all that I really have for this one. I am sure there will be a part 2 at some point as there are many other things pertaining to the awesome 1990's that I could talk about but my mind is literally 90's stew right now from all the research I have been doing for this article.
Astalavista babes!
xoxo ;)
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