Why I Cannot Write Erotic Novels, But I Take A Stab At It Anyway...

 I'm kind of slacking this week on a column. Most of it is blatant business with work and real life shit. But I decided that I would just write a quick entry and it would be me taking a stab at Erotic Fiction.
Look at 50 Shades of Grey. That book taught me two things: 1) I do have a kinky side and do enjoy being spanked. Preferably by rich men only. And 2) going into specific detail about performing fellacio in a claw foot bathtub will put you on the New York Times best sellers list. My only complaint with that book was its redundancy. I don't need to know every feeling your "inner goddess" is having, Ms. Anastasia Steele.
I'm not good at writing sex scenes into my novels. I have tried, as I have written numerous love stories and when I get to the point where the two protagonists are at that "lovemaking stage", I get writers block. I read the Red Hot Reads in Cosmo and they throw around the terms "climax" and "pulsating member" like it's everyday usage. I'm sorry, but never once, have I complimented a partner using the words "pulsating member". I mean, what kind of guy is gonna be chill with a chick saying to them, "Hey, Steve. So that's a dapper pulsating member you have going on right now. I'm ready to climax."
...No.
I cannot take sex seriously if that was the kind of talk used during coitus. I'm all about dirty talk. But there's dirty talk that is sexy and then there is the kind of coital talk that just kills it. I give 50 Shades of Grey props for getting it right. I read the term, "Oh baby." Many many times and was actually moved by it because it didn't make me want to vomit. Until I thought about how many women got pregnant/STD's/vaginal tearing because of that book.
Erotic fiction is so over the top too with its detail. I'm not even talking about switching words out for illusions (Ex: a woman's white thighs becomes "her creamy thighs were smooth like satin sheets). I'm talking about the foreplay descriptions! My absolute favorite was a short story that I read in some magazine (probably Cosmo) and it was an excerpt. The beginning of the story went somewhat as follows (forgive me but I am paraphrasing here):
"He removed her lace baby doll and threw it across the room as if it were a shred of trash. He knew he had torn the fabric. But he desired her body, her soul, her essence so severely that he needed her naked. Right then. Right there."
Foreplay does NOT start off like that. I understand that they are using dramatics to emphasize the level of intimacy but that's not how sex works. People are clumsy in the moment. You're trying to tear your partner's clothes off and their head gets stuck or they trip because you tug on their pant leg too hard. It's never this perfect and magical moment. Which personally, is fine with me because I not only welcome imperfections but I have also accidentally elbowed a partner in the face trying to pull the smooth moves I read about in erotic novels. Sorry again, ex boyfriend who I don't care for anymore but I still do feel like an asshole for that. Kind of...
That is where my writing comes in. For two years I have been writing this novel and there is only one pivotal sex scene in it. It brings the story to a shattering climax (pun not intended...ok maybe a little). I cannot use imagery very well because I make it awkward. I try to follow suit and use euphemisms for genitalia but they come out sounding absolutely ridiculous. Such as, and this is an actual example:
"Scott forced himself in between Brooke's open legs. She reached her hand down and felt his hard erection."

See? Straight to the point. And I have to be 100% honest with my readers, writing that above excerpt felt AWKWARD AS FUCK!! Sex is a very difficult thing to write about. Not sure why. I mean, I have experienced it. I get what it is all about. I know what I'm talking about with it. I think that it's because perhaps different people have different views about it. Some use sex to just procreate and find no pleasure out of it whatsoever. Others are promiscuous and will stick their junk anywhere. And we live in a society where you are either a prude or a slut and I think that has a lot to do with my fear of being that vulnerable of a writer. It can offend anyone.
When 50 Shades of Grey first debuted, some library in Florida made headlines for banning it. I'm just chilling up in Vermont reading it, secretly learning a incognito way of pulling off sex while on my menses. It offended so many people with its taboo and kink factor because there really isn't a lot out there talking about BDSM. I'm afraid of making the big time and offending these people. I mean, E.L James got death threats over this shit.
I guess the furthest my erotic fiction is going to go is to write a short story about premature eye-ulation. It will go something as follows:
"She took off her lacy, black panties. The end."

Yup. Sounds good to me!

;) xoxo

How I Lost 54lbs/Pescetarianism!!!

   So it is beginning to transition into that AWFUL season as a woman where it's bikini time.  Spring Breaks are breaking out all over the place and you're still working hard to work off all the Holiday cupcake pudge you got from your Great Aunt Edna's Peanut Butter Orgasmic Clusterbomb Cookies.

They were good though!

   About a year ago I ended up losing a pretty significant amount of weight because I ended up getting really, really sick.  Gross story: I was having a hard time digesting my food, therefore I had to go through all these tests for Crohn's Disease and Colon Cancer, etc.  Turns out it was my diet.  I was living off of McDonald's and other shit food that will give you a heart attack as well as awful bowel issues.

    So, after getting my ass reamed out by my nutritionist, I was put onto a more fibrous diet to try and get my body flowing a lot better.  I had to cut out cheese for like three months and it was a nightmare, but honestly the diet and excercise that I put myself on helped me lose 54lbs.  I cut out cheese, milk chocolate, and all meats except for seafood.  It is called a Pescetarian diet and I am here to endorse it because it did my body wonders.  I had more energy and I just felt so much better than when I was eating "regular" food.  

    So I started out looking like this.  200 lbs, and not enjoying any moment of it whatsoever.

    Very unflattering and it just was not my finest moment.  But after starting on the Pescetarian diet, this is what I look like now:

  Size 7/8 and 50+ lighter :)
     Okay, the first thing you need to do if you are going to go on this Pescetarian diet is to know the basics of it. 

    Pescetarianism is a diet in which you eat vegtables, grains, fruits and seafood.  You DO NOT eat any other animals.  No beef, no chicken, no pork.  The only thing with eyes/feelings that you eat is seafood.  That is how you get your protein.  Note: I also used some sesame seeds to get my protein.  

    Red meat is bad for you.  Farm animals are jacked up with so many disgusting growth hormones now, that the meat your eating is causing crazy side effects for humans.  Increased heart issues, it's causing girls to start menstruating sooner, not to mention all the fats that just float around through your intestines..  It freaks me out.  Sorry.  However, it tastes fucking amazing which is why it sucks so bad to give it up.  

    

   I have one cheat day and that is Thursday nights because my friends and I get together for dinner and they are all guys and I can appreciate the fact that they want their steak.  One cheat night a week isn't that bad as long as it is in moderation.  Generally, on my cheat night, I cut my serving size in half and they always pick on me because my portions will be really small.  There is productive cheating and then there is bad cheating.  Bad cheating is when you order 90 buffalo wings with extra Blue Cheese dressing and eat them all in one sitting...moderation people.

   The one "animal product" that I didn't cut out completely is eggs and that's because I love eggs.  They are an excellent source of protein and they are good for you depending on how you eat them.  I couldn't give up my aborted chicken fetuses.

   I also cut a lot of dairy out of my diet.  Like I said above, I cut cheese completely out while I was trying to get my body back into the swing of things.  Cheese does awful shit to your body and most of that is because cheese products that you find at the grocery store, aren't even really "cheese".  Most of the time it is a 'processed cheese product'.  That means, based on my heavy research, that it is a bunch of chemicals mixed with enzymes and whey to create what is sold in the packaging.  Real cheese takes A LONG time to age and get the flavor.  This is just a bunch of chemicals which is why eating it in heavy moderation causes your insides to say, "Fuck you, Guy/Girl." 

  
   I became a huge fan of Almond Milk.  For anyone who has never had almond milk, it is honestly the best thing in the world and I would drink it by the gallon if I could.  Like with other farm animals, milk carries a lot of those growth hormones that are shot into the livestock.  Plus, almond milk has a better flavor.  The chocolate kind is orgasmic!

    Next order of business was cutting out ice cream and swapping it out for FroYo.  Frozen Yogurt is so delicious and it is so much better for you and now they make it in every fucking flavor imaginable.  You want chocolate peanut butter cup? BAM! It's there.  I also became a huge fan of Chobani Greek Yogurt.  They have almost every flavor imaginable and they are all delicious.  Plus there is real fruit in the bottom and it's like a hidden treasure to get to! That's my inner fat kid talking...

   Now the hard part:  Preparing the seafood that you will be eating.  I really became a fan of salmon during this whole ordeal.  My main diet and nightly entrees consisted of either salmon, tilapia, haddock, and flounder.  I learned how to make this mean Wasabi/Ginger salmon which I will eventually post the recipe for but it is pretty much you bake salmon with this (which I got at The Gourmet Chef) coated on the top for 20 mins at 325 degrees.

 

It is a paste that has a kick to it, so if you

like spicy foods, chances are you will love it.

    Other than that, with all the fish I just messed around with different seasonings.  As far as sides would go, I would steam some cauliflower, peas and other vegetables and season them with a little salt and pepper.  I'd also toss in a dinner roll just to keep it on an even slate.  

    

   Here is just a sample of what my daily meal intake was if that gives a better idea.

   Breakfast: 

   A banana, 1 Chobani yogurt/or Oatmeal, Coffee with light cream

  Midmorning snack:

   Fruit.  

   Lunch:

    Tuna salad on wheat with sprouts, lettuce, tomato.  Light Mayo.  Veggie sticks as a side and juice.  Would splurge and get sushi if I had the extra cabbage that week.

   Mid afternoon snack:

    Crackers.

   Dinner:  Seafood entree.  Mixed vegetables, bread.  Sometimes soup.  

   Honestly, I never felt more healthier than I did while embracing that diet.  I've slipped off the wagon as of recently because I'm starting to eat McDonald's and Taco Bell again.  But I was more awake, I had crazy energy.  It really helped me out a lot.  I hope that those reading this may get a little inspired to try something new.  It's not for everybody, but a lot of people have asked me how I dropped all the weight and instead of reiterating myself time and time again to answer the same question, I wrote this article.  Best of luck to anyone who is willing to give it a shot.  You will definitely notice a change in yourself after you ween yourself off of the farm animals though...

   ;) xoxo   

Things Women Think About While Getting Dressed

A few nights ago I went to a concert for the first time in a very long time at an actual venue. Unable to find something to wear that would not only make me look and feel hot, as well as blend in with the demographic of fellow fans, I relied on my friend Kristina to help make me glamorous. However, after she lent me about four different combinations of clothes, I had a very hard time deciding what I wanted to wear. One ensemble made me feel as though I was in the 80's (although I pulled it off well). Another outfit didn't accentuate my assets so well. And then I found gold in the awesome outfit I had decided upon. Ripped black skinny jeans, biker boots, and a tube top with an empire waist that was zebra print. It was fantastic.
However, I spent hours trying to make this outfit work for my body type. For those who do not know me, I used to push about 200 lbs but recently over the last eight months have dropped back down to 152. I'm also a 38 DD cup and have cupcake pudge (my term for muffin top love handles). I also have a pretty firm ass, so it's hard for me to find an outfit that accentuates everything that draws attention. That's why I was ecstatic when I found this outfit.
Because of the fact that a lot of clothing makes me feel inferior, I realize most of it is because I have lady parts. Therefore, I over analyze my wardrobe subconsciously because I have the insecurities. So I decided I would give a humorous account of all the things that ran through my mind as I went through this one night transformation. Mostly, my fellow vagina friends will be able to relate the most because I know you think this way too. Just maybe not as twisted as me but I am after all the Twisted Tornado.
So without further ado, here is my thought process:

1) "Holy fuck, when did I get stretch marks when I've been losing weight? Oh right...from when I was expanded."
2) "Great Jesus, these pants make my crotchal area feel violated."
3) "A man had to have invented the mini skirt because things are hanging out that would get me arrested."
4) "Why don't bras come with expandable cup sizes since neither boob is the same size?"
5) "My ass looks like two watermelons duct taped together in these pants."
6) "Does this outfit make me look like a whore? Not a fun, classy whore but a trashy whore? The kind you see on Sunset Blvd with coke coming out of their nose?"
7) "Does this outfit make me look like a soccer mom who tries to be the 'cool stylish parent'?"
8) "This foundation makes me look like I'm trying to look tan like George Hamilton."
9) "I shouldn't have power slammed 85 Reese's pieces and four Red Bulls over the course of the last week."
10) "I wish I could wear pumps and not look like an Amazonian and crazed WNBA player. Why do they call them pumps anyway? They should call them 'giant making shoes' because that's what they are."
11) "This skirt would get me pregnant."
12) "This skirt would get me arrested."
13) "This skirt makes me look like a Jehovah's Witness.."
14) "I wanna coin the term 'Boobylicious' since Beyonce coined 'Bootylicious'"
15) "Why is there a green stain on this dress? I don't remember engaging in coitus with the Incredible Hulk.."
16) "My hair makes me look like a lion."
17) "Chicks with big knockers can't rock tube tops. Fuck it, I'll wear it anyway!"
18) "Why can't I master the perfect liquid line?"
19) "Fuck you, post period pimple. Speaking of which, Fuck you, period. Better stay away for another week."
20) "I got to lay off the Cheetos or come lesbian vampire time I am going to be a blimp."
21) "This hangover is making me feel like a bag of smashed assholes."
22) "Ow! I can't believe I just burned myself with a straight iron
23) "Meh, so I look like a punk tramp. You say super skank? I say fierce bitch!"

So there you have it. By the end of this multi-hour ordeal, I looked as the pictures show. Not to shabby I'd say. Just made my brain hurt trying to figure it all out. Hopefully this brought a laugh to my vagina friends.

;) xoxo

The Insanely Crazy Idea To Go For My Master's Degree...

For anybody that actually follows me on Twitter, I'm sure you have seen that I have put a lot of thought into going for my Master's Degree. I hold two degrees as it is and I work for a gas station. Not exactly where I saw myself 7 years ago.
I graduated from Hesser College with an Associates in Radio/Video Productions, only to further expand when I received my Bachelor's at Kaplan University in Communications and Public Relations with a minor in Psychology. After taking numerous breaks, and failing a few classes based on my lack of ambition, I managed to pride myself on making Dean's List and graduated with a 3.5 GPA.
Now I wish to further expand my horizon, but I don't want to do it online. I have been thinking about moving and living on campus or renting a small apartment. I am always game for learning something new and this is the time. But here are my setbacks. My dilemma.
1) I'd have to pack up and move again.
2) my student loans will be so much worse.
3) I have to take the uber hard classes like Calculus and advanced neuropsychology. Which I don't even know what the latter means.
4) with all the hours I would have to work Im not even sure I would have time to go back.

I must think long and hard about this. Short article. Just a rant and expressing my anxieties to those who follow. Any suggestions?

;) xoxo

Confessions of a Dorkette: Part 1

This legitimately happened. So a week ago I unpacked some of my "Dork junk" in my room and with that is my Star Wars action figure collection. The one I spoke about in my first entry about Wookiewoks and if you haven't read that yet, you should.
Anyway, my friend Megan came over to drop something off and when I let her into my room she took this look of disgust at my room. Here is the conversation verbatim as it happened.

Megan: "Nice Star Wars figurines. You've officially stumbled into Geekhood."

Me: "It's not that bad."

Megan: "Tori, you have them arranged by episode. Geekhood."

Me: "Well, I can't have cinnamon buns head Leia standing next to Empire Strikes back Leia. It throws everything off."

Megan: "My God, dude. Do you hear yourself right now?"

Me: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Now my question is, why the hell is it such a big deal that I have action figures on display in my room? Oh that's right? Because I have a vagina. Most chicks would be collecting My Little Ponies or pink shit. Although I myself also enjoy those things, I grew up with these things. It's something I share with my dad. Just because I have tits, doesn't mean I can't have stuff in my room aimed at guys.
Just let it be known, that eventually my Batman shit will be out too. I mean, I have a cat named Batman for Christ's sake. Then when I put out my Spice Girls stuff, people are really going to be thrown off. Just saying.

What The 90's Taught Me...

    Just like "On The Battlefield This Past Week...", I have included a music track.  Listen to it.  Absorb it.  Remember how you heard it every day on the radio for about a year and a half until the band disappeared where all one hit wonders go...

     Musical Purgatory.

    That's right.  It's fucking Chumbawamba.  Now it is stuck in your head.  Consider it a personal gift from me for being my faithful readers.  You're welcome. 

    P.S. This article is long because there is A LOT of detail in it.  You're welcome for that too. 

    I was born in 1988, so therefore I do not remember a greater part of the 1990's but I did however watch the nostalgia VH1 specials, I Love the 90's so I do kind of understand 1990 to 1994ish which is right about when I start to have memories.  But even still, popular culture that stems from these years has taught me a lot.  Here is where I break it down for you.  

1. Television was a HELL of a lot better.  I mean, Boy Meets World, Baywatch, 9021-fucking-0, man! That is the good stuff.  The crack that was once cable television has slowly been going down the shitter.  I mean, just take two seconds and switch over to MTV right now.  Go ahead, do it.  I'll wait...

   Do you see what I fucking mean? MTV used to have music videos.  I mean, it is where in the early 90's you could find this:

    It's nothing spectacular of course but it's Sinead O' Connor.  Remember when she tore up the picture of the Pope on LIVE TELEVISION?!?  That was TV glory right there, and not just because I have a personal bias against the Pope.

     I recently have been getting back into 90's shows since now I am in my mid- 20's and can actually understand what is happening.  In the 90's I was still too young for sex, drugs, rock n' roll and alcohol let alone understand why Tori Spelling and Brian Austin Green were the 90's "power couple".  

    I can openly admit that I am 100% in love with Ally McBeal.  I think Calista Flockhart is completely ridiculous but in that sexy lawyer kind of way.  And when Billy dies (spoiler)...awww.  Television gold! 

    There was also my other favorite, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  She kicked ass, and now vampires are sparkly and super duper flamboyant.  My extremely homosexual friend Brent likes to dress up like one of the Twilight characters because he was told at a gay bar not too long ago that he looks like the vampire from Twilight.  Now he wears the emo clothes and spikes his hair like R-Patz.  But in the 90's, vampires looked like this:

    Make all the '90's Justin Timberlake hairstyle jokes you want but Spike was a hot vampire.  I could list all the things I would prefer to do to him over Edward Cullen, but it would turn my blog into 50 Shades of Not Doing Gay Vampires. 

2)  Music was different.  Not necessarily better by any means, but it was different.  There was a different feel to music back in the 90's.  90's songs were more about love and passion and definitely more ballads.  Now it seems that there is a lot of music about partying, sex and other shit that is far from PG rated.  But, back then we had that kind of shit too, like Rico Suave.

Yucky tight pants.

    Here is a dude, that is South American talking openly about his "addiction to the female species" and how he "eats them raw like sushi."  

    Pretty sure that's a vagina reference...but it's the 90's so I'm not sure.

    Now you have people like Ke$ha and Taylor Swift who are mostly whiny and drink a shit ton of alcohol and don't remember the next day.  I'm not really hating on either because God knows that there has been days where I have woken up feeling like P. Diddy and every time I go through a breakup I eat chocolate and listen to Taylor Swift...because she understands.

    Even looking into rock music.  We had Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Metallica (the Enter Sandman era), the Proclaimers.  Some household names from the 90's have forever created a seal in the music industry.  Cough cough Cobain cough cough.

    The 90's got rid of glam metal but we got Grunge out of the deal.  Grunge was fucking awesome and I really wish I wasn't six years old when it was in its peak because I would totally be wearing my flannel and listening to my Pearl Jam with unkempt hair.  It was different, it had a great style to it and it waved an entire generation of people.  It fizzled out quickly though after Cobain died.  In innovator took down the genre when he died.  

     Then you have Boy Bands.  Boy Bands began mostly with New Kids on the Block and ended in the 90's with *NSYNCBACKSTREETBOYS98DEGREES.   Yes, it was all one word back then.  

     I remember on TRL (a show on MTV that is now dead because the new millennium sucks balls), they played The Backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way" for like 3 weeks everyday.  Ladies, you remember the video:

Favorite? AJ...

    Then you had the Bubblegum Princesses.  Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson.  Unless you have been living under a rock for the last 16 years, then you know that all four of these women started out as jail bait super hot babes that looked like this: 

     Pretty ladies, right? Now, 16 years later the only two who came out looking like no plastic surgery has hit either one of them just so happens to be Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson.  Jessica Simpson is just always pregnant.  I mean, she made headlines for being a virgin when her career started, now every time she has a baby she is pregnant again.  Speaking of pregnancy...

3) Pregnancy was NOT as much of a trend.   Sure you had your a-typical "baby movies" where they are sending you down the story of a couple who has a baby.  Or depending on what era of the 90's you are looking at, MEN having babies.  Exhibit A:

\    The movie Junior aggravates me, just because it is the biggest tease in the trailer.  You think that this dude is going to push a baby out of his body the same way that a woman has to.  Women think, "Yes, men will finally get to kinda see our pain if it were their point of view."  Then we actually think about it for a second and the idea of a fully developed infant being shoved out of the head of a man's genitalia is a very disturbing image.  You just pictured it.  Don't lie.  

4) If You Wannabe My Lover, You Have to Get With My Friends....

    Apparently, we have the Spice Girls to thank for our significant others creepin' around with our friends.  This one is really short.  I loved the Spice Girls.  I have the dolls in my "Dorktopia" collection.  (There will be an article about my Dorktopia collection soon)  Anyway, I learned that in real life, this lyric will get you in a lot of trouble because should my lover hook up with any of my friends, we are not going to be lovers anymore! He will be without a penis.  Lorena Bobbit style.  Which brings me to...

5) Crazy bitches castrate douchebags, then the douchebag gets a pornography career.  I wrote when I used to do "Umm, About That..." about how Lorena Bobbit hacked her husband at the time's pecker off while he was asleep.  She chopped it off and then drove away and then threw her husband's wang out her car window into a field.  Long story short they sewed it back on and dude got to be in a few porn films. 

6) Hookers can have happy endings too.  You know the movie I'm talking about.  

     My favorite movie of all time and here is the best scene ever created in movie history.  Excuse me, while I go grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a box of tissues because it gets me every time.

   Maybe if I become a hooker, some rich guy will climb my fire escape and whisk me off to the Beverly Hills Hotel for some awesome circle bed sex.  Yeah, let's not forget about that scene, shall we?

7) Lawyers Are Not Always Stupid and Can Very Well Help You Get Away With Murder

    I remember exactly where I was when OJ Simpson got acquitted in the trial of the murder of his wife and her friend.  I was at home and it was all that was on TV.  All the evidence points to him actually doing it.  In fact, I just watched a documentary on how he got away with it proving that blood would make leather gloves  shrink thus the reasoning behind the iconic picture up above.  Does that really look like the face of someone who is innocent.  I know that I will piss off a lot of people by saying that I definitely believe that he did it, but come the fuck on people.  He had motive.  He had brains.  And he had a great defense team for when his brain didn't work well.  

    I once knew someone who had a friend that partook in Nicole Brown Simpson's autopsy and they went into the graphic detail of what it was like.  Let's just say "Human Sprinkler" was a term thrown around loosely.  This was definitely an act of rage and the fact that OJ drove in a car chase with a gun to his head doesn't convince me otherwise.  

   So that is all that I really have for this one.  I am sure there will be a part 2 at some point as there are many other things pertaining to the awesome 1990's that I could talk about but my mind is literally 90's stew right now from all the research I have been doing for this article.  

   Astalavista babes!

   xoxo ;)

On The Battlefield This Past Week....

    Press play to the above link and let the music flow as you continue to read.  This is only semi-related in the fact that this song is absolutely amazing and makes my ears tickle with an erotic style.

    Ok, now onto business.

    I spent a lot of time thinking about what tonight's column would be about and I decided that it would be based on a personal story of the last few days as I will explain how my blatant sarcasm gets me into a lot of trouble, yet I always win my point it seems so...yeah.  Ha!

    So this past week I have been arguing with people all week.  I almost got into my first official cat-fight, I told off a fairweather friend who is a complete dink half the time and my ex thoroughly pissed me off.  I'd like to blame my bitchy demeanor on PMS, but that is just the puss out excuse for everything.  Nope, I fess up that I have been a total bitch this entire week and it is because people have been pushing my buttons and I finally had enough!

Yes, when I am mad I look exactly like this...

     My week started off getting into a Facebook bitch fight.  Facebook always has drama on it, but this was absolutely ridiculous.  Now, I'm not going to stoop to the other party's level and completely humiliate them on the internet, however this was the dumbest Facebook fight I have ever gotten into.  With someone twice my age almost.  Yeah.  Just a parent who seems to have the emotional and psychological maturity of an eight year old.  Honestly, fighting with someone on a social networking site who is twice your age is completely ridiculous because at that point you feel like you are having a cyber fight with someone who should be hanging out with your parents, not playing around on Facebook.

    Furthermore (random side note), I remember when you had to be part of a school or company to have a Facebook.  Now they give them out to everybody.  Including crazy people.  Smart decision there, Mark.

Here is the type of Facebook fights that

always make for a great read though!

    I also further learned this week, that aside from Facebook wars still being as pointless as they have always been, I learned that it is extremely hard to be friends with an ex.  I always figured I could master being friends with an ex, until I started getting involved with someone else.  This is going to quickly turn into my philosophy on relationships and ex- relationships so just bare with me.

   Okay, staying friends with an ex who was at one point and time the absolute love of your life is a bad idea. Very, very bad idea.  I have an ex who I have a great friendship with, UNTIL new partners come into the picture.  That's when things get testy.  

    You start getting interested in someone new because you have been dumped by the same ex four or five times because you were stupid enough to go back repeatedly.  We couldn't make us work as a relationship because of jealousy and stuff so yeah let's try being friends.  Because that will make a whole shit ton of sense in the end... For awhile it worked well. Now, I have reached the point where I have no issue should that particular ex start dating.  I didn't think they had an issue either, but OH SHIT was I wrong....

     Take a half pint of jealousy mixed with a shit ton of manipulative guilt trip and you get the life cocktail I got served the other night.  

Thanks, Obama!

    The third fight was blip of stupid.  Just a typical disagreement among people who don't have the best relationship as it is as far as friends go.  Me defending a friend of mine and the other person getting defensive.  No biggie.

     Oh and I almost forgot.  Here is where I become a bit of a uber bitch just because this pissed me off, severely.  This guy, who asked me out on a date a long time ago apparently is holding a grudge that I will not do him because it was brought to my attention that he thinks all these less then spectacular things about me. 

      Here's where shit gets real, Homeboy.  When you have a face that looks like a 70's porn star's hair pie vagina, of course I'm not even going to consider sleeping with you! It's called a razor, Grizzly Adams. 

Seriously, who would want to swap spit

with a bushy forrest of trapped food and chew.

     So that was my week in fighting.  I feel as though I came out on top.  Yeah.  So now you have heard my new favorite Dubstep artist Bassnectar (provided you followed my directions and listened to the epic stuff video link above).  So, thanks for reading my usual followers.  

     Closing thought: People suck.  Just punch them.

  xoxo ;)

Ah, Ze Zombie Apocalypse...

    If it were possible to have a pet cartoon zombie, the picture above would be mine.  I'd name him Sprinkles.  Not for any particular reason.  Just how many zombies do you come across with the first name of Sprinkles? 
     Exactly.  None...But isn't he cute?

    In case any of you have been living under a rock for the last few years, modern society is OBSESSED with the idea that this virus that causes people to become zombies spreads throughout the world, thus resulting in the zombie apocalypse.  No one is safe and be prepared to run because to Sprinkles and the other zombies, your brains are a Happy Meal. 
    Random side note: I always wondered if when zombies go for your brain, say you are really smart.  Would that make your brain kind of a gourmet dinner?  Like, would Stephen Hawking's brain be the high end fancy feast??

Yes, that is a Lego Stephen Hawking...It is irrelevant, but fucking awesome.

 

   

    Here is the type of people that I would be okay with flesh eating zombies going after.  These are the types of people I would bring to Sprinkles' cage just so that the world wouldn't have to have them anymore.

1. People who sexually, physically, mentally abuse children.  Given.  I'd probably giggle as they were being eaten.
2. Rapists.  Given.  Again, I'd probably giggle as they were being eaten.
3. Chicks who run around saying YOLO all the time.  Yeah, You Only Live Once....then you are Sprinkles' dessert.
4. Guys who wear their pants down around their knees with their boxers and or asses hanging out....You look stupid. That will never be a good style and you will be a good appetizer.
5. Terrorists... because Sprinkles likes Middle Eastern cuisine on Thursdays....
6. Nicky Minaj:  I imagine that she would taste like a My Little Pony.
7. Bill O' Reilly.  He's annoying and now that the "Fuck it, we'll do it live!!!" thing has passed and gone viral, I have no use for him anymore.
8. Girls who sleep around with a bunch of dudes then say that they aren't sluts. Especially when they say that doing it in the rear doesn't count in adding to their number of sexual partners...To better define these girls, watch this video by my girl Jenna Marbles.  She explains it pretty well the kind of girls I'm talking about:

   
  9. People who name their kids stupid names like Hashtag.  Yeah, in case you missed the news, these people literally named their child (born in 2012) after that little fucking symbol (#) you use on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc.  That kid is going to get the shit kicked out of her....You aren't Gwyneth Paltrow, Chica. You can't just name your kid weird names and it be okay...


   If starting off the zombie apocalypse meant getting rid of all the annoyances and disgusting filth in the world, then I am all game.  It's when it comes to fighting back that is gonna suck.  I have numerous amounts of friends who are huge zombie enthusiasts.  Kat and I had a pretty full planned idea when I was still living in New Hampshire.  We found the perfect location to set up shop should we have to sniper some undead neighbors.
    Zombies have always kind of been my clowns though.  A lot of people are afraid of clowns.  I'm afraid of zombies.  The culture of them are cool.  That little doodle I have of "Sprinkles", is a-dork-able.  The idea of something coming and eating my brains though, or ripping my throat apart with it's teeth...not exactly the warm and fuzzy feeling.
      Then you add a love story in the mix and I forget how scared I am of these things.  I am a romantic, yuppy sap who enjoys a good love story.  Sure as shit, one came out last month that I wish got as much cred as Twilight.  Brooding golden vampires or brooding grey zombies.  I choose the latter with Warm Bodies.

  

     I will probably be one of the first to go down should this ever happen.  I am weak, and it would be my luck that I would most definitely end up getting chased by a zombie that was a Olympic track runner or something.  I will be food.  Actually, I found the best way to avoid getting eaten from a Meme off of Tumblr:

  Oh and don't judge me for wanting a pet cartoon Zombie named Sprinkles.  He'd be an awesome fucking pet.  Just sayin...

;) xoxo

Fact Salad: 12 Random Things About Me

      I decided that I would do kind of a get to know your blogger solely for the fact that I am bored.  This will probably explain a lot the further into The Twisted Tornado I get.  These are just random facts.  Not really anything important but I feel in a sharing mood!



1. I HATE Ketchup Potato Chips.  Who the fuck invented these things?  We sell them at my day job and I tried them because I have this one customer who is older than Christ that comes in and when we don't have them he pisses and moans like a crazy person.  So when my friend Kristina bought them, I was like "Let me in on that shit.  Biggest mistake to my taste buds ever!!

2. Biggest MUSIC guilty pleasure is: *drumroll* Britney- fucking- Spears.  Yup, I admit that I rock out to old school Britney in my car when I am feeling nostalgic.  I was like 11 when she hit the big time and I still get all jittery when I hear "You Drive Me Crazy".  Don't hate.  I still listen to dubstep and heavy rock more.

3. Biggest MOVIE guilty pleasure is: *drumroll* Overboard.  Come on.  Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel all in love and shit when they are in love in real life?  *sniffle* It's so magical.

4. Craziest Thing I've Ever Done: Kidnapped my sister, Kat and attempted to drive to Canada.  First we were going to drive to Hampton Beach.  Then I missed the exit so instead of heading East, I headed North and we were like, "Fuck it, let's go to Canada."  Well, we realized Canada was 6 hours away and because of 9/11 and shit you need a passport to hop the boarder instead of just your birth certificate now.  So then we drove into Vermont just to see an old ass insane asylum that is completely deserted now, then drove back to New Hampshire.  Oh, and on the way back we did 5 laps around a round about in the center of some random town.

5. Biggest mistake: This is actually a two parter but they kind of coincide.  1. Attempting to get married way too young in my life.  I didn't think that shit through before I went through with all the preperations and now I insanely regret the entire experience.  2. Taking a break from school.  Although I finished and eventually got 2 degrees, I would have finished a lot sooner if I hadn't let my wedding cloud my judgement.  It all worked out in the end, but I just was way too young to make that big of a decision and I almost didn't finish my degree because of it.

6. Dumbest thing I have done: Hit a tree a mile away from my house because of my iPod.  I admit I text and drive sometimes.  I shouldn't and you'd think I had learned my fucking lesson due to this story.  So my freshman year of college, it was summer break before going into sophomore year and I went for a joyride to honestly smoke because I hadn't told my parents their child was a smoker yet.  So I am driving home and my iPod falls to the floor of my 98 Ford Escort (Manual transmission.  RIP) and I go to grab it.  I veer into a tree then drive my car home with a shattered windshield.  I miss my 5 speed.

7. All of my tattoos and piercings were spur of the moment decisions.  My first tattoo is a tiny Chinese symbol of Love in between my shoulder blades that I got my freshman year of college.  Thought process of the day: "YEAH! I'm 18, let's do this!!" Same was like 2 weeks later when I got my belly button pierced.  Then at a party, a friend of mine told me I didn't have the balls to tell me I won't pierce my nose.  So I grabbed my guy friend and we went and got my nose pierced.  Next was the design on my lower back (tramp stamp but I'm not a tramp). That was a random choice.  Next went the piercings up my ear which I let all but 6 close.  Then the music notes on my wrist.  That was random too.

8. As stated in #7, whenever someone tells me I don't have the balls to do something or challenges me not to do something, I try my best to go ahead and do it.  Provided it's not murder or committing a crime or adultery.  If it is something stupid like a piercing or a hair color, or some stupid shit, then game on!

9.  Favorite Disney Movie: I have 2.  1) Emperor's New Groove because it isn't a musical.  2) Little Mermaid because I know all the songs but Ariel is an annoying bitch.

10. Biggest phobia: Dead things... Dead animals, and humans.  I hate going to wakes.  Count me out for open caskets, thanks.  I do not want to stare at the dead.  My 22nd birthday, my ex's aunt (who was an awesome human being. I miss her..) died at age 38 of Lupus. Anyway, her wake was on my 22nd birthday and it was my first one ever and on the way to the Boston area where it was being held, my ex tells me "ok, so since this is your first time I want to tell you that you will see her body so don't wig out."  We show up at the funeral home, and it didn't even look like her.  I had just seen her two weeks prior and she did not look like this.  At all.  It was a disturbing experience and so ever since I avoid the wakes.

11. Beauty annoyance: False eyelashes.  As I write this blog I am constantly picking glue off of my eye because I wear false eyelashes a lot because I cannot find a mascara that gives me the kind of sexy lashes that I want.  So, this is what I deal with.  Revlon needs to invent a better glue because I am not spending $25 on fucking MAC eyelash glue.

12. I own 18 bottles of stuff that you spray on yourself to make you smell good.  I'm talking perfumes and body sprays.  Clinique Happy, Playboy Play-something, Juicy Couture, Ed Hardy, Curious by Britney Spears (because it came with the poof), Estee Lauder (for when I want to smell like a classy old broad), Chanel No. 5 (for when I want to smell like a classy whore), Adidas, every scent that Dove and Secret deodorant has out.  Yeah, that is my obsession. Oh and shit from Avon. 

  Those are the first group of facts about me.  I will probably do more animated responses come the next time around which I will probably v-log. If you actually took the time to read this blog, then I commend you, because you didn't have to.  If you just skipped down to this portion, then I commend your half assed attempt to get to know me. 

;) xoxo

It's Pink Muthafucka!!!

Most people experiment with funky colors for their hair in their teen years. I'm 24 and this is what I did today: