I began my quest for serenity by finding the spot where my senior pictures were taken. Along the Battenkill River in East Arlington, Vermont is a beautiful spot where there is peaceful sounds. Raging rapids flowing quickly. Birds chirping. A chilly breeze dancing past me that alleviated the torment of this hot day.
I spent some time just staring at the rapids which rest by a waterfall. I wondered what the probability of surviving a bareback ride down them would be. Note: I am not suicidal. Just kind of weird and morbid like that.
The sun glistened through the trees and illuminated the water as I stuck my toes in. By the way, it was fucking cold! And a blue jay perched on a low branch by me and for a split second I had the urge to sing to it like a Disney Princess. But to save the ears of the woodland creatures I stayed quiet.
I chose this spot because visits there are rare. It is like something out of a fairy tale. Absolute gorgeous.
I will not divulge on the things I attempted to meditate on. I need to work on focusing the mind and isolating myself from the surrounding appliances and non earthly elements and just bond with earthly ones. I break my focus because of my phone or the sound of a car with a loud exhaust passing by. But I need to figure my life out soon because life is too short to waste it.
After getting myself frustrated without being able to focus on the self inflicted issues, I decided to go for a drive. I drove past the house I grew up in. The house before the one my parents own now. It has since been repainted. Bravo.
Then I drove up to the cemetery to visit my nephew for the first time. My nephew passed away a few years ago because of health issues while still an infant. I have never visited him myself and vaguely knew where he was laid to rest. When I finally found it, I did something I rarely do. I actually prayed. I kneeled down (successfully in a short dress mind you), placed my hand on his headstone, bowed my head and actually prayed.
I never pray. I don't believe in any particular God to pray too. I guess maybe it was more of a silent one sided conversation with Ryan that no one could hear because I kept my mouth shut. Very weird experience.
That alone made me think of something else. When I head to Boston this weekend with a dear friend of mine, I need to make a pit stop in Winchester which conveniently we drive right through anyway. Back when I was going to get married, one of my in laws ended up passing away at the young age of 38 leaving behind a 3 year old son and amazing husband. When the ex and I split I lost touch with the uncle in law and I miss he and their son terribly. Anyway, the departed person in subject is my ex's Aunt Michelle whom I was close enough with to where her passing affected me more than I had anticipated.
I want to make a quick visit, because although she has passed onto whatever blissful and peaceful realm she has, and I'm not part of the family anymore, I still feel that I need to see her. Even for a minute. Her anniversary is coming up and who knows when I will be down again.
That was my day. Oh, and I decided to sell my wedding band and engagement ring. There is no reason for me to have them. So I might as well make money off of them.
It felt good to get away. Although my afternoon panned out to be somber I still realized that every once in a while you need to take a step back and find some inner gratification. Good plan and I will do it again.
:) xoxo
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