Looking forward in high school, I didn't want to be stuck in Vermont at 25. As my 25th birthday is approaching in two short months, I am beginning to experience what my older sister referred to once as a "quarter life crisis". I always liked the term, but I had hoped I would never experience one. Fact of the matter is, I always figured I'd be somewhere in life. Not in a dead end job, but in a career. Living somewhere with substance.
I didn't want to be a mother at 25, which hopefully it stays that way. I've done pretty good at not popping out a kid yet. Do I want children someday? Yes. I know I will one day make a fantastic mom. I also don't want to be tied down in marriage yet. I made the mistake of almost getting married at a young age and I am so glad I bailed. Truth be told, I wasn't ready. I'm still not. If that experience taught me anything, it is that you must love someone if you plan to commit fully. Which in the end, I didn't. A relationship would be nice, because I do crave companionship. However, I am in no rush to walk down the aisle even though my wedding gown is beautiful.
My settled down age is around 28. I need to be grounded and know who I am before I involve offspring into my life. I need to be in a stable career. Living on my own or with my eventual significant other. I look around me and I see people I graduated high school with buying homes and traveling. Making a difference and I can't help but kick myself for not trying harder a few years back to accomplish those things.
I have been told my entire life by some who should have been more optimistic about my skills that I won't amount to much. I'm starting to feel that way. I know I am intelligent. Not because I eventually graduated with honors, but because at one point I was making a difference. I still try to. That is why I have started this blog. I want to entertain and use my humor and brains to influence people.
I almost did not graduate high school. I slacked off, and I kept failing at math. Which was really weird because I kicked major ass with chemistry. So, when an acceptance letter to college came in the mail, I as well as the discouraging members of my life, were fucking surprised. When I graduated on Dean's List, we were all REALLY fucking surprised. That was my glorified "fuck you and suck on that" moment in life. So, when it did not pan out as a career as quickly as I had hoped, I felt discouraged. I still do.
Today, I posted a column listing all the things I am awesome at to boost my confidence a bit. It worked and I do feel a bit more confident in myself. I have to. At the end of the day, you really can only please yourself.
I spent many of years growing up being bullied. Nothing severe. Probably because social networking didn't exist until college. A lot of kids were assholes to me. Made fun of me for my teeth, forehead acne and my weight. Well, I just want to give a major "fuck off" to my teenaged bullies because I'm thin now with perfect skin and a set of smileys that will look fabulous when they are done. Haha.
Because of my epilepsy, I was placed in Special Ed and that was really hard because I learned things at a lot slower pace than my peers. So, when they kicked me out in 6th grade because they realized I have a brain and a seizure disorder is NOT a Learning Disability, I was so far behind and caught tons of shit for it. I still hold resentment for that because it weakened me. I would be a lot further had I been able to learn more. Thanks, Arlington School District. Dicks.
I don't write this article for sympathy. I write it because writing is the only way I can express my deepest and darkest feelings. Friends try to understand why I am the way I am and I just have you the inside of my brain. For those who took the time to read this rant, I do appreciate it. Sometimes I just have to vent and get my shit out in the open. It's catharsis for me.
;) xoxo
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