In my 25 years walking on this atrocious planet, I have instilled more trust in people who should never have gotten it, then I can even count. I'm a trust whore because there has been more notches under that belt than a serial player could ever dream of. Here are my views on Trust and Forgiveness.
TRUST: I trusted friends to not hurt me. Friends are supposed to be there for you when everyone else is completely fucking your shit up. Funny, how quickly they tend to join in on the festivities though. I've spoken before in my last article, when I had a more positive outlook on life, about how much I don't like being friends with girls. I have boobies and a vagina. Thus, I am fully aware of the fact that I am secretly evil. But I'm not your average girl nowadays. I'm not going to chase after your boyfriend or fuck buddy because I know that there is some lines that shouldn't be crossed. I'm not going to let you walk out of the house if you really do look like shit in your outfit. I get the sacred bond of vagina partners.
Here is what happens to me and why I don't trust girls. Former best friend with boobs, nailed my boyfriend at the time then lied to me about it. I've had "girlfriends" secretly hook up with guys I like. That's breaking the hoe-code. I've had girls tell me I could tell them anything, so I opened up and then what a surprise, my feelings are out. We are women! Unfortunately as such, there is that natural underlying sense of competition. Oh she is prettier than me. Her hair may be shinier but my ass is smaller.
It is how our shit works, and it is fucked up.
I befriend guys because 1) I like to watch sports and eat buffalo wings and drink beer. 2) Typically they are more honest than girls. 3) they can usually fix my car. 4) I can make a lot of penis jokes that only men appreciate.
But befriending guys doesn't mean you escape the drama. Just as the risk as trusting the girls is, trusting your guy friends as a woman can be far more detrimental. Guys aren't typically known to fuck over their female friends' trust. Usually this happens when more deeper feelings get involved. But, even I have had those select few male friends that have smiled to my face then aired my laundry behind my back.
Once you fall for your male friends, as a heterosexual woman, then you are fucked! Things get complicated. Feelings get hurt and trust gets broken. Sometimes, you get played. Sometimes you both fall in love but sometimes that isn't enough. I've had both happen. After my divorce, I embraced a ten year long urge with my best friend. Because the feelings had always secretly been there, I hoped he was the one. At the time he was. Then, I had to move. Now he is the one that got away, but the reason as to why I lost trust in him is because he nailed my best friend at the time and lied to me about it.
My marriage fell apart because he was a compulsive liar and abusive asshole. I spent three years with him and by the end of year one, there was no trust. Just fear. It wasn't until after we separated that he admitted to always having more severe feelings for my younger sister. Talk about confidence killer. I haven't been the same since.
I have been played. I have been the shiny toy for five minutes, then tossed aside for a newer model a plethora of times. I'm easily manipulated into trusting people because I want to see the good in everyone. Sometimes, not everyone is good. A friend called me out on being too trusting the other day. They were right. That's what brings me here to vent about such things.
Note before I continue: This is a generalized rant, hence all the examples from years ago.
FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness doesn't come as easy as trust does with me. It has taken me three years since my divorce to forgive my ex. He put me through a form of Hell, I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I learned to forgive. It used to be that if I ever saw him again, I'd probably beat his ass. Now, I'd thank him for letting me go because it was the best thing he ever did for me. My love life may be shit right now, but I would rather deal with the heartache over a short lived fling than go through that mess again. I forgave him. It took me awhile, but I am at peace with it.
I have had friends steal from me before. I have had friends betray me by spreading lies or twisting stories. I have forgiven them all, but again it took time.
Forgiveness when trust is broken with me is never impossible. It will happen. But you need to be patient and let the wounds heal. I won't show ill will because that's not the person I am. But just because I am still exuding kindness to you, doesn't mean I have forgiven you for hurting my feelings. Have faith I will forgive, but just know the level of trust you had before, you never will again. Also accept the fact it will take time to reach that point.
Whether the broken trust is due to a broken heart or absolute betrayal, I will forgive you. I expect nothing as far as effort goes to completely fix everything. Forgiveness has to be granted on my own to reestablish a deep friendship. Trust rebuilding has to be a mutual effort. I will meet you halfway. If you prove to be a better friend than before, the trust will come back. Myself on the other hand, will do everything in my power to keep your trust.
Rarely do I believe the poor choice of actions as my friend has malicious reasoning. Shit happens. But when feelings get hurt, it is what it is. Just know that deep down inside, many of you I will always hold love for you. The ones I know aren't malevolent. I know the difference. And you do matter dear to me.
This article is a generalized statement of my character. I will never be one for verbal expression. Too much pressure to say all the right things. My friends needed to read this. This is me letting my guard down. I will forgive. But when I'm ready.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding. Much love!! Xoxo.
-VvM.
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