Trust and Forgiveness Rant.

   When we are in elementary school, or better yet learning shit like shapes and colors and that yellow snow is bad, we also learn that forgiveness is important. Forgive and forget. We have heard it so many times throughout the course of our lives that it should come easily right?  We are also taught to never be too trusting. Harm is out there. But when you think about it, the two go hand in hand. I'm sure you have figured out where I'm going with this...

   In my 25 years walking on this atrocious planet, I have instilled more trust in people who should never have gotten it, then I can even count. I'm a trust whore because there has been more notches under that belt than a serial player could ever dream of.  Here are my views on Trust and Forgiveness. 

  TRUST:   I trusted friends to not hurt me. Friends are supposed to be there for you when everyone else is completely fucking your shit up. Funny, how quickly they tend to join in on the festivities though. I've spoken before in my last article, when I had a more positive outlook on life, about how much I don't like being friends with girls. I have boobies and a vagina. Thus, I am fully aware of the fact that I am secretly evil. But I'm not your average girl nowadays. I'm not going to chase after your boyfriend or fuck buddy because I know that there is some lines that shouldn't be crossed. I'm not going to let you walk out of the house if you really do look like shit in your outfit. I get the sacred bond of vagina partners. 

   Here is what happens to me and why I don't trust girls. Former best friend with boobs, nailed my boyfriend at the time then lied to me about it. I've had "girlfriends" secretly hook up with guys I like. That's breaking the hoe-code. I've had girls tell me I could tell them anything, so I opened up and then what a surprise, my feelings are out. We are women! Unfortunately as such, there is that natural underlying sense of competition. Oh she is prettier than me. Her hair may be shinier but my ass is smaller. 

   It is how our shit works, and it is fucked up. 

   I befriend guys because 1) I like to watch sports and eat buffalo wings and drink beer. 2) Typically they are more honest than girls. 3) they can usually fix my car. 4) I can make a lot of penis jokes that only men appreciate. 

    But befriending guys doesn't mean you escape the drama. Just as the risk as trusting the girls is, trusting your guy friends as a woman can be far more detrimental. Guys aren't typically known to fuck over their female friends' trust. Usually this happens when more deeper feelings get involved. But, even I have had those select few male friends that have smiled to my face then aired my laundry behind my back. 

   Once you fall for your male friends, as a heterosexual woman, then you are fucked! Things get complicated. Feelings get hurt and trust gets broken. Sometimes, you get played. Sometimes you both fall in love but sometimes that isn't enough. I've had both happen. After my divorce, I embraced a ten year long urge with my best friend. Because the feelings had always secretly been there, I hoped he was the one. At the time he was. Then, I had to move. Now he is the one that got away, but the reason as to why I lost trust in him is because he nailed my best friend at the time and lied to me about it. 

   My marriage fell apart because he was a compulsive liar and abusive asshole. I spent three years with him and by the end of year one, there was no trust. Just fear. It wasn't until after we separated that he admitted to always having more severe feelings for my younger sister. Talk about confidence killer. I haven't been the same since. 

   I have been played. I have been the shiny toy for five minutes, then tossed aside for a newer model a plethora of times. I'm easily manipulated into trusting people because I want to see the good in everyone. Sometimes, not everyone is good. A friend called me out on being too trusting the other day. They were right. That's what brings me here to vent about such things. 

   Note before I continue: This is a generalized rant, hence all the examples from years ago. 

   

  FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness doesn't come as easy as trust does with me. It has taken me three years since my divorce to forgive my ex. He put me through a form of Hell, I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I learned to forgive. It used to be that if I ever saw him again, I'd probably beat his ass. Now, I'd thank him for letting me go because it was the best thing he ever did for me. My love life may be shit right now, but I would rather deal with the heartache over a short lived fling than go through that mess again. I forgave him. It took me awhile, but I am at peace with it. 

   I have had friends steal from me before. I have had friends betray me by spreading lies or twisting stories. I have forgiven them all, but again it took time. 

   Forgiveness when trust is broken with me is never impossible. It will happen. But you need to be patient and let the wounds heal. I won't show ill will because that's not the person I am. But just because I am still exuding kindness to you, doesn't mean I have forgiven you for hurting my feelings. Have faith I will forgive, but just know the level of trust you had before, you never will again. Also accept the fact it will take time to reach that point. 

   Whether the broken trust is due to a broken heart or absolute betrayal, I will forgive you. I expect nothing as far as effort goes to completely fix everything. Forgiveness has to be granted on my own to reestablish a deep friendship. Trust rebuilding has to be a mutual effort. I will meet you halfway. If you prove to be a better friend than before, the trust will come back. Myself on the other hand, will do everything in my power to keep your trust. 

   Rarely do I believe the poor choice of actions as my friend has malicious reasoning. Shit happens. But when feelings get hurt, it is what it is. Just know that deep down inside, many of you I will always hold love for you. The ones I know aren't malevolent. I know the difference. And you do matter dear to me. 

This article is a generalized statement of my character. I will never be one for verbal expression. Too much pressure to say all the right things. My friends needed to read this. This is me letting my guard down. I will forgive. But when I'm ready. 

  Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding. Much love!! Xoxo. 

       -VvM. 

    

   

Never Lose Yourself Trying to Find Someone Else

   We all go through trials and tribulations in life that will either make us or break us.  Your boyfriend/girlfriend dumps you.  Your dog gets hit by a mail truck.  The grocery store is out of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Whatever! Shit happens and it is completely stupid to let it get you down forever.
   The entire reason why I am going on this rant is because I have been consumed in this vicious storm cloud of worry and over analyzing and super mopey and depressed over a boy. A boy that clearly will never be the "right guy" for me, despite the fact that I absolutely adore him and he is one of my best friends. Regardless, I see how I have been acting and the person that the situation made me become and I can't help but think that, "I gotta help other girls from making this same mistake."  I mean, the upside to how things panned out in my situation  is that as much as it hurts right now to know that it failed, I at least have learned some things about myself and can grow and be happy.  So I gotta thank the guy for that one.

   Here is what NOT to do when life gets you down.  Don't drink so much.  I spent the last few nights piss drunk Tornado style and each night was full of some sort of poor life choice.  Alcohol makes you depressed, and if it doesn't make you depressed, then it makes your clothes fall off and then you end up sleeping with your friend.  A cheer up cocktail is alright, but when you are doing eight shots of Patron and can't remember drunk dialing your ex the next day, it's a problem.  Especially if you repeat this cycle for days or weeks on end!

  Don't be afraid to eat your feelings.  If you had to choose between shooting heroin or eating a pound of Pillsbury Cookie Dough, which one are you going to choose.  Know what I do when life gets me down, or I get dumped or I fail a test?  I buy a bunch of Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/ etc. and I pig out and watch sappy movies like An Officer and a Gentleman.  Sure, I know that me stuffing my face will eventually reach my thighs, but hey desperate times call for desperate measures and I will stuff my face before resorting to other vices.  Plus food is good.

   Wake the fuck up and realize that you don't need someone else to make you happy, and that you can't depend on someone else to make you happy! See, this is where I went wrong and I went wrong at this turn years ago.  This isn't even a recent thing.  But after enough bad relationships (romantic or casual), I finally realized that this was where I have been going wrong.  At the end of the day, you really do only have yourself.  Some boy or girl can sit there and say that they really like you and that they want to be with you and feed you full of all of this shit, that doesn't even really matter because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF.

  Let the stupid shit just roll off.  Easier said than done and this is a BIG one for me that I need to learn.  But before I put my two cents on it, I just want to address a few points to my fellow vagina partners who I personally wouldn't mind seeing get hit by a bus.  I just have three points for them that they can answer for me in the comments box:
   1) Why do you hit on the boys that your best girl friends like/sleeping with/dating/engaged to?  Or try to seduce them?
   2) Don't say you don't like drama if you are going to go around creating it, okay?
   3) Go fuck yourselves with a giant spandex covered sledgehammer.

   Anyway, I just had to get that off of my chest.  People are always going to talk.  Sometimes, it will be the chicks you think are your friends.  That's when you realize that this is exactly why you don't have that many girl friends.  See, the girl friends in my life that I actually trust are the ones who are married/in a serious relationship/ smart and actually don't like creating trouble because they are bored.  They are hard to find, but I do really like them when they come along.  This is just the downside of being a girl.

  I always told myself that I would NEVER become "that girl" that has to rely on her boyfriend or her circle of friends to make her happy.  I used to be a very independent person until my life hit the crisis of 2010 when it fell apart.  I used to like to be by myself and just hang out in complete solitude without the yacking hens of my peers around.  Now you know what I do, whenever I am by myself for a long period of time?

This.

   I absolutely hate being by myself.  I have no value for "me" time like I used to because I allowed myself to become so consumed with having a bunch of people around because I would rather be amused than bored and lonely.  I'm not saying I want to be a hermit, I'm just saying that I need to invest a little more time in "me time" than what I have been.  Once you start losing the traits about you that you used to have complete confidence in, that's when you are in for a world of shit.  I used to pride myself on being independent.  I used to literally get in my car and drive for like three hours to get away from people.  Now I sit around the house and if it's too quiet, I need to hang out with somebody because I just can't stand being by myself.

   

  It's just some food for thought and a little vent sesh.  Those are my thoughts.  I love you all (except those bitches that I pointed out...you suck), and I will be okay once I balance myself out a little bit.  

;) xoxo

-VvM

P.S. My computer is fucked up so that's why I haven't been writing four articles a week. Hopefully the computer Patch Adams will save it's life.  But I think it's dead.  Oops.   

The Best Place in Boston Ever

  This past weekend I spent with good friends in Boston and I had the time of my life. My best friend was having her wedding reception on a Boston Harbor cruise ship, and despite the fact that the ship charged an unGodly amount of money for a pomegranate martini, it did live up to the "booze cruise" title. 

   Aside from the ship, which will get its own review, my date and I happened to stumble upon a fine establishment called The Whiskey Priest right on Boston Harbor. 

   Hands down, this place was amazing. 

   Our first day in Boston, after Google maps got us all sorts of lost, we needed a drink. So, after we gave my car to the hotel valet, we took a stroll down the street and found The Whiskey Priest. Considering he and I are both big supporters of alcohol and Irish enthusiasm, we said "why the hell not?" and walked inside. 

   First off...the bar. The bar wraps around the entire bottom floor of the pub. They have so many kinds of whiskey it is absolutely ridiculous. The bar tender, an older gent with a very thick Bostonian accent, explained that The Whiskey Priest had been opened since 2010 and that its been doing well for itself. Never found out his name, but I'm gonna call him Mickey. He looked like a Mickey. 

   Then, this very beautiful (albeit cougar status) woman with blonde hair and blue eyes approaches the bar. It took all of three seconds for my date and I to realize that she was 100% full blooded, absolutely, straight off the boat Irish. Caught her name. It was Siobhan. Of course it would be Siobhan! (Note: It is pronounced 'shiv-Vaughn' for those who may have thought it was pronounced 'Seo--bahn'). 

    We tried explaining to Siobhan that we were a couple from Vermont. She didn't understand what Vermont was. Then, returning our conversation to Mickey, we told him that we live near a town called Sunderland and all of a sudden, the studious and petit Siobhan pipes up with, "Sunderland is in England!"

   No....nice try Shiv.  Nice try. 

   Upstairs of the building is this gorgeous patio that overlooks the harbor. Here is the one thing that sucks about the upper deck, though: 

    Because this is a whiskey bar, they typically prefer to serve whiskey in a glass. When you sit up on the upper deck, you drink out of plastic cups. My date wanted whiskey but they wouldn't serve it to him upstairs because they don't typically serve it in plastic cups. So, we had to improvise. 

    I'd like to hope there is some epic story behind it. For example, some dumb fuck tourist got really drunk and stumbled up onto the deck and threw a glass at some Boston skank walking down the street. Then Mickey (who was about 6 foot 4, 300lbs and definitely could toss you on the street by your pinkies) probably had to detain the drunk tourist and he struggled therefore he fell to his death on the curb below. 

   I know it's twisted, but its better than "oh yeah, we don't serve in glasses up here just because..." 

   The food was great. Buffalo wings? Delicious. Irish fries? Delicious. And the booze! Those Irish really do not fuck around when it comes to mixing a drink. I had a Jameson and Coke and by God in a chocolate Utopia it was strong!!!  

  Then there are the servers. I did not see one unattractive waitress working there. Miserable twat waffles some of them were, but their faces weren't too bad to look at. 

   All in all, the only complaints I have about it is, that while I understand the liability of it, serve Whiskey upstairs. 

   Oooh and when we went to lunch there on our first day, a wedding reception was happening there. Bride and groom walked into a large crowd full of cheers. I would so get married at The Whiskey Priest. Goddamn it, I just may. 

   Seriously, I you are ever at Boston Harbor, go to this place. You won't regret it. Thank you, The Whiskey Priest!