Reasons I Won't Go Out With Boys I Went To High School With

Thanks to Facebook, I have boys I went to high school with floating the idea of a sexual relationship/going on a date with me. No... And here is the reasons why:

In High School I was:
Smart
Modest
Funny
Confident.

Now as an adult I am:
Still smart. Graduated college with two degrees AND on Dean's List, motherfuckers!
Not really modest anymore. I realized I have an awesome set of jugs and a great ass. I flaunt it without being trashy but I do flaunt it.
Funny. Hi, have you read some of my blog posts, status updates, Tweets? I am hil-arious!!!
Slowly getting my confidence back. Back enough to realize my High School crushes are a bunch of dumbasses.

I am nice on top of all of it. I may be sarcastic now but it's because it has taken you 7 years to realize I am awesome. So, for every boy I went to high school with that hits on me now: Fuck you very much! I don't have time for penises that find me attractive now. Thanks.

F**k The Game

Today's entry is just a small tidbit. No videos or background music. I just don't understand something about relationships that maybe someone can explain to me:

Why the fuck do people still play fucking games with their significant others after they have already won them over?

Seriously, I want to know because it just baffles my mind. You have your guy/girl who already put up with all your mindfucks before, and they still LOVED you!! So why, after an extended period of time do you play the games? Be thankful for what you have because after a certain point the games are pointless.
Backstory: I have a friend who has been with the same dude for x amount of time. They still mindfuck one another. "I love you. No, I hate you!" Or one of them will go and converse with someone of the opposite sex to make their partner jealous.
No. Fuck that! Don't be an idiot and screw your shit up because you want to play the game. Play Monopoly or Sorry.

So please, she'd some light on me under the comments section.

Xoxo ;)

The Long Road to Better Teeth (And a Hidden Minecraft Reference Just Because)

   I was cursed with bad teeth.  Those who know me, understand what I mean.  I have only smiled with my mouth open for a picture probably only a handful of times in my adult life.  I was lucky as a child, as my "baby teeth" came in PERFECT.  See?

   I was a cute kid, right? But once I lost my baby teeth, my teeth grew in all sorts of fucking crooked.  I might as well be British because they are just that bad.  I have all sorts of problems.  My enamel was thin, and now my top fronts are completely screwed to the point where they are going to rip them out of my skull.  Thankfully, I will get a new set of teeth immediately that will give me a BITCHIN' smile.
    One of my friends told me the other day, while I was completely down in the dumps because I am terrified of having all of this work done, something that I will probably always remember because it gave me a little boost of confidence.  He said, "When you get your new smile, you'll be too hot to hang out with us anymore."
    Note: That won't happen, but thanks for the compliment.

    I am in a LOT of pain because of my dental issues.  I can't eat chocolate without my mouth feeling like it is getting drilled.  I have horrible sensitivity to cold and hot liquid that made this winter suck absolute ass!  So, when I went the other day to have the first round of scaling done (which is where they go through and numb you all up and dig down into your root), I got this fluoride stuff:

    I took that picture mid mixing.  As you can see, it is this weird clear liquid that has the same texture of syrup.  You put it into the shot glass at the bottom line, then fill the rest of the shot glass with water.  As you can see, the shot glass comes with a lid that you screw on and then you shake the ever living shit out of it for 20 seconds and eventually it turns into that cloudy crap that you see now.
    I thought that this stuff would taste like mint.  It smelled like mint and usually with Fluoride rinses you have either your choice of mint or bubblegum when it comes to flavor.  Like I said, it SMELLED like mint but in all actuality it tasted like ass.  It was just a very bitter and I felt that maybe I was rinsing my mouth with anti-freeze.  Not a good experience. 
   I have to wash my mouth out with this grossness twice a day for thirty days.  On the flipside however, my teeth will not be so sensitive to hot and cold stuff anymore.  Which means I can enjoy a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup again.
   So, this scaling thing: It was excruciating! They numb you up FULL of Novocaine and the needles from those alone have always given me anxiety.  They only do one side of your mouth at a time, too! Once I was all numbed up, the dentist took one of these awesome things:

   and picked the ever-living-fuck out of my gums to the point where I felt like my mouth was doing this:

    Was NOT a fun experience, okay?  I am not looking forward to going in for the next appointment. 
    Also, along with leaving with the ridiculously disgusting fluoride rinse, I ended up getting this INSANE electric tooth brush that has these crazy interchangeable heads strictly from ASPEN DENTAL.  It even has a head for flossing AND brushing at the same time!

   The bristles flare out kind of like a blossoming flower as opposed to just rotating back and forth which is supposed to be better on your teeth.  The thing is crazy expensive I am sure, but it is totally worth it.  It has three different settings and it gets into the hard to reach places.  If I had had one of these 15 years ago, I probably wouldn't be all kinds of fucked up.  Yeah...
    Then, they put antibiotics into my gums to try and kill all the infection where they did the scaling.  I don't even understand how they inserted these little pods of antibiotics into my gums but they did.  Now, as a woman, the first initial thought is 'antibiotics don't mix with oral contraceptives' (which I found RIDICULOUSLY ironic in this case). They are these little pods of some substance that they use a tiny little plunger to put it into your gums.  Over the course of 30 days they are supposed to rid my mouth of inflammation. The concept itself is weird to me, but as long as it's effective, I will be happy.

   So, because I am slowly going through this VERY expensive and very gruesome experience I figured that I would share some advice.  Take care of your teeth! Brush, floss, go to the dentist regularly because this kind of shit is NOT fun!  Granted, in the long run it will pay off because I will have a killer smile that I have always wanted but ballpark, all the work that I have to have done costs about the price of a used 2006 Nissan Altima.  I'm talking about $8,000.  Hell, just to scale one half of my face it was about $650 and I am pretty goddamned sure that $550 of that went to the crap mouthwash and fancy shmancy awesome toothbrush...

   As I continue on through this procedure I will blog about it.  Hopefully by July I will be all said and done with it.  If I'm really lucky, June.  Wish me luck!

  xoxo ;)

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Bra-strology and What Your Bra Says About You (For Men, Just Enjoy the Pictures)

     Real quick! What is squishy and has a twin and gets you free drinks at the bar when enough of their genetic makeup is showing? 

     That's right! Tits.  

    So, for this week's column, I have been working on this article for two weeks or so now because I figured I needed it to be perfected before I release it to the public.  For my fellow vagina friends who read The Twisted Tornado, you will find this probably pretty insightful.  To all my guy friends who read the blog, you pretty much just get another rambling story from me and a lot of REALLY NICE BOOBIE PICTURES!

    It's a win/win for everybody!

   My initial thought for how this came to be was the fact that all of my bras fall apart.  Wires and shit go missing, lace rips and it just turns out to be a hot mess.  I have realized that depending on what bra I wear, kinda tells what mood I'm in and how my day will go.  Hence, I came up with Bra-strology.  Pretty catchy name right?

SPORTS BRAS:

 What your bra choice says about you:  You like to keep your shit on lockdown.  Much like the reason some men wear tighty-whiteys as opposed to boxers.  They like their shit close to their body.  That's what you get with this specific bra choice.  You're sweater melons aren't going anywhere, Honey.  Those things are held down to your chest, tighter than a background check to become airport security!  It also says that you are not planning on getting laid in any way shape or form.  Unless you are a gym slut.

You're Bra Horoscope: You won't get laid.  Again, if you are a chick who goes to the gym and pics up guys because you are a predatory sexual athlete, then YOU may get laid.  But otherwise, you are just going to run around a lot and maybe kick some balls at some goals.  Not exciting...

LACE BRA:

What your bra choice says about you: Look at the picture above.  See that blond bitch that most girls look at and think to themselves, "Curse her beauty!" Well, deal with it because Victoria's Secret Barbie up above shines confidence.  Why? Look at what she is wearing.  Black and lace.  Black and lace means one thing and in the lingerie world that means dirty, filthy, kinky, 50 Shades of Grey sex.  If you step out of your house wearing a lace bra, you clearly are feeling pretty damn confident that day.  You know that your chest trolls are perky and where they are supposed to be and you feel like Britney fucking Spears.  Yep.

Your Bra Horoscope: Okay, so I think it goes without saying that there is a good possibility that someone will be removing your lace bra that is not you.  Maybe they will remove it with their teeth.  Who knows? But no matter what happens, you will have a good day because someone will definitely have a smile on their face when you take your top off.  

THE NERDY BRA

What your bra says about you: You are fucking awesome and have a really good personality because your lingerie has cultural refrences.  
Your Bra Horoscope: If the person you are letting take off this said undergarments doesn't reconize the characters on your bra, time to ditch him.  

THE BRA THAT SHOOTS STUFF LIKE FIRE AND COOL WHIP

What your bra says about you: You take risks and aren't afraid to have your hair catch on fire or attract a morbidly obese sexual predator who enjoys nipples that shoot out delicious sugary substances.  Amen, Sister! Now, notice that Katy Perry is the face of this sub-section.  That chick's tits are always shooting stuff out of them! Whipped cream, fireworks, Cheese in a can! If you actually are so crazy enough to buy a bra that projectiles some sort of substance, then you are some special woman!

Your Bra Horoscope: To avoid possible lawsuits due to malfunctioning cups, make sure people standing in front of your breasts are wearing proper eye protection.

THE BANDEAU

What your bra says about you: You must have mosquito bites for boobs because chicks like me who have DD's cannot wear the headband bra.  I call it the "headband bra" because it seriously looks like this chick went and stretched out a headband and put it over her tits.  It's a nipple slip waiting to happen. 
Your Bra Horoscope: Be prepared to constantly have to life that headband bra up and readjust it all day.




   So, that was part 1.  Part 2 will come along soon and will honestly probably be a vlog.  I think I've caused enough uncomfortably for one day.  

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Something I Need to Address

I feel there is nothing wrong with addressing the fact that I graduated with honors and two degrees. Perhaps I shouldn't gloat about it, but I only do it when people try to discourage me. I accomplished something that for years people said I wouldn't do. I appreciate, the older I get, the lack of faith because it helped push me further. I may only be working in a gas station, but I'm not 25 with a drug addiction, 6 kids by 6 different partners and divorced three times which I feel is awesome.
I was made to help people and write. I have a heavy heart and a good conscience. I don't want to waste any more time at a job I hate. I have passion for the only art I know. I cannot draw for shit. I can paint. But I can write which is why I started this in the first place! So why am I wasting away?
Come Monday, I am taking a new approach. I'm putting myself out there. I already set up an interview so here is hoping I get it. Wish me some luck because I need it. Thank you for reading this venting session!

;) xoxo

P.S. I need some form of comedy, so here is a meme I found floating around.

Dear Americans on Welfare Who Are On It "Just Because" You Are

If you collect welfare because you are a single parent and cannot manage to find work because of your children being a handful, this article is not for you and you have my condolences. Hopefully things will turn around for you. If you are sitting on your ass collecting welfare, because you are lazy, then this is for you. Be honest with yourselves in making that decision as to whether or not it pertains to you. After all, this is only a blog on the Internet.
I don't understand the latter group of people. I don't understand how one can sit around all day and do absolute nothing with their life besides eat, drink and just lounge in jammies not doing ANYTHING productive. I'd go fucking nuts! They get money in from the tax payers, and they don't do ANYTHING! I work 45-50 hours a week to pay my way, and a lot of my paycheck goes to taxes, which goes to these money grubbing leeches.
Who, as a child, says, "When I grow up, I want to live on welfare!"? No child. No smart child, anyway. You don't really amount to anything in life. You aren't changing the world. You aren't making a positive dent in society. Society has you figured out. Society calls you "lazy" and "useless" and "deadbeats" behind your back because they are furious that they are working class heroes paying your way.
I understand that food stamps are a different story. Truth be told, if I qualified for them, I would use them because even making what I make in my job (key note: I have a job), I have a hard time with food expenses. I am a college graduate paying off $45, 000 in student loans and a $450 a month car payment. Know what that leaves me in weekly spending cash generally? $50 after I fill up my gas tank, because I have a 30 minute commute to work. I wouldn't be sitting on my ass collecting.
Another thing with food stamps/EBT: Stop buying goddamned ENERGY DRINKS and candy with your EBT cards. I do not bust my ass to the point of exhaustion every week so that you can buy fucking Red Bull and Sour Neon Crawlers with food stamps. I guess I should say "You're fucking welcome." Buy milk, eggs, vegetables, fruit, ACTUAL FOOD with it. I wish I had a dollar for every person I interact with that does this.
As far as EBT Cash goes, STOP USING EBT CASH TO BUY BEER, CIGARETTES and LIGHTERS. Oddly enough, I do condone using it for gas because gas is a necessity. You need it to get places. If you fit the demographic of people who this is attacking, you need it to drive to Walmart on the first and fifteenth of the month to collect your belongings.
I had the ogre of a man, who smelled like ballsack and geek stink breath, come into my convenience store not so long ago. He had to have been 7 feet tall, with a very ogre build and crazy eyes. He was antagonistic when I informed him he could not purchase scratch tickets with his "welfare card". His words. I was flabbergasted when he even asked me if it were possible. And for him to turn into white gangsta Shrek when I said "No." Just further proved how dumb he really was and how pathetic those who live their lives like that are.
And those bitches who get pregnant on purpose so they can get more money from the state. This girl I went to kindergarten with does that. She keeps punching out babies so that she will keep getting extra assistance. First of all, keep your legs shut. The fact that God or science or whatever allowed YOU to procreate is bad enough. Second of all, any guy what is willing to deposit their tadpoles into a slam pig and the. Be surprised that she rapes them in child support, shouldn't be having sex. Third of all, we all know the chicks that do this in America. Admit it. You know one. Hell, it may even be your sister. In which case, I am sorry.
Yup, I could write a 20 page report on all the other crap pertaining to these people that piss me off but I am sure I have offended enough people today. So, yeah...

;) xoxo